You Smile for Him, Not Me

Fidgeting with his clothes, Eren hesitated before finally speaking in a disjointed manner. Harold listened patiently without rushing him.

“His Grace clearly won’t care much whether I’m gone or not. I want to disappear quietly without causing him any worry.”

Harold’s brow furrowed slightly, as if he found Eren’s answer surprising. But Eren, lost in his own misery, failed to notice.

“You really think that?”

“Yes. And soon my body will start to fail. Before long, I’ll become useless, just waiting day by day to die… I don’t want His Grace to see me like that.”

“I see. I understand completely.”

Perhaps talking about death was difficult for Harold as well, as he let out another deep sigh. After rubbing his face once, he looked at Eren.

“You said Mr. Harrison is helping you?”

“Ah, yes. He’s even arranged a place for me to stay.”

“When did you say you’re leaving?”

“In one week.”

Without even knowing why Harold was paying him so much attention, Eren poured out everything freely. But at Harold’s following request, he couldn’t answer immediately.

“Then, on the day you leave, would you let me see you off? All the way to where you’re going.”

Why? Only one question surfaced in Eren’s mind.

“…May I ask why you’re making such an offer? The train ride alone is over two days round trip. I know you’ve been busy lately.”

The empire was already in turmoil due to tensions with the Kingdom of Felosia. He wondered if it was alright for the Crown Prince to be away from the palace for so long.

“It’s alright. The palace won’t fall into chaos just because I’m gone for three days. Like other nobles, I went on a Grand Tour abroad as a child, but aside from that, I’ve never left the palace. So His Majesty will understand.”

Even if His Majesty understood, Eren found it hard to accept. Seeing Eren’s bewildered face, Harold gave a faint smile.

“Would you think of it as my final farewell?”

“If you put it that way, I suppose….”

He had no particular reason to refuse. So Eren, though blinking in confusion, gave a small nod.

“I have quite a lot to talk about, too.”

Eren tilted his head, unable to imagine what Harold might want to say to him. There was nothing to be gained from someone who was only waiting to die.

“Then I’ll come to the station in one week. Can you tell me the exact departure time?”

Harold looked rather bright for someone discussing a final meeting. Perhaps because of that, Eren’s heart felt relatively lighter about leaving.

“The first train at dawn. I wanted to go when it’s least crowded.”

“Alright. Then booking a ticket shouldn’t be a problem.”

His kindness was still puzzling, but having someone to accompany him on his final journey was quite comforting.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. Now let’s go back soon. Kazen will be looking for you.”

“Ah, yes. He probably will.”

“Get up. I’ll take you to the Ducal residence.”

Harold rose first and reached out his hand to Eren with a smile. Eren looked at his white-gloved hand and thought: Harold was the second person to reach out to him in the darkest moment of his life.

“Aren’t you going to take it?”

Lost in thought, Eren snapped back to attention as Harold waved his hand, urging him.

“Ah, yes. I’ll take it.”

Harold helped Eren to his feet, beaming brightly. Like someone seeing the sun for the first time in his life, Eren was dazzled by his light and bowed his head deeply.

If it had been Harold, not Kazen, who had reached out to him first, would he have harbored feelings for him instead?

The question momentarily disturbed Eren’s mind. Kazen was already so firmly entrenched in his heart that there was no room for Harold, but if Harold had been first, things might have been different.

But he suspected loving Harold would have been more painful than loving Kazen. At least Kazen treated him coldly. Loving someone so kind must be far more difficult.

He understood completely now why Kazen had always been so anxious.

* * * *

Returning to the Ducal residence in Harold’s carriage, Eren first packed his belongings. As expected, there wasn’t much to pack. The bigger problem was that the traveling bag itself might arouse Kazen’s suspicion.

‘Where… should I hide this?’

Fearing someone might see and become suspicious if he left the bag in his room, Eren decided to hide it in his old bedroom. No one cleaned there, so it was perfect for hiding things.

He pushed the bag under the old, dusty bed and breathed a sigh of relief. He was exhausted to death even though he hadn’t done anything. His condition must be deteriorating.

Eren sat heavily on the creaking bed and let out a deep sigh. Sighing had become as natural as blinking.

‘Let’s do everything I can in this one week.’

While he could still move, he wanted to do his best with his work. Managing the servants’ schedules and the Ducal residence’s budget were also essential.

Autumn, in particular, brought the Harvest Festival, the Ducal household’s biggest annual event. Though it was also the time Eren struggled the most, it was equally the household’s main source of income.

Back in his room, he was busily reviewing documents when the door suddenly opened, startling Eren. He turned to see Kazen standing with his arms crossed, which surprised him twice as much.

“Your Grace, what brings you….”

“Dinner was long ago.”

Only then did Eren, startled, look at the clock. Just as Kazen said, dinner was thirty minutes overdue. The task of preparing meals had been completely handed over to Brennen, and Eren always had dinner with Kazen.

“I’m sorry. I was so focused on paperwork, I lost track of time.”

So he had come all the way here to fetch him. Startled, Eren scrambled to his feet, but suddenly felt dizzy and staggered. Kazen, who had been leaning with his arms crossed, was startled and approached, wrapping his arm around Eren’s waist.

“You look pale as a ghost.”

At Kazen’s harsh assessment, Eren’s face flushed instantly. He had never been told he was ugly, but recently he seemed to be hearing quite often from Kazen that he looked unwell. It meant his condition was visibly deteriorating.

“…I’m sorry.”

“If you’re sorry, then do as I say. And what’s this about your waist? Anyone would think I was deliberately starving you.”

“Hehe, that tickles.”

As Kazen deliberately stroked Eren’s waist, the ticklish sensation made Eren let out a small, involuntary laugh.

“That expression.”

“…Excuse me?”

“The expression you just made. Do it again.”

Eren’s eyes widened at Kazen’s sudden request. He was at a loss, trying to recall what expression he had just made. Since it had come out unintentionally, it was difficult to recreate.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what expression I made.”

Kazen’s brow furrowed, as if displeased with Eren’s answer. Staring at Eren with an inexplicably dissatisfied gaze, he muttered lowly.

“You smile just fine in front of Harold.”

Tsk. Watching Kazen click his tongue, Eren tilted his head. He hadn’t even realized he had smiled at Harold.

Then Kazen, who had been wearing a serious expression, suddenly lowered his head and buried his nose in Eren’s nape. His breath tickled Eren’s skin, making his shoulders flinch.

“Why are you doing this….”

“You smell of Harold’s perfume.”

Ah. Eren had known how sensitive Kazen’s sense of smell was, yet he hadn’t thought to wash. He had already experienced that Kazen hated finding out he’d met Harold.

“Last time, it was faint and I wasn’t sure, but this time it’s definite. It’s strong enough to numb my nose.”

Kazen pulled him even tighter, causing a slight pain. Startled and flustered, Eren instinctively placed his hands on Kazen’s shoulders.

He was about to push Kazen away but paused. Even if Kazen hurt him, he remembered that he wasn’t allowed to lay his hands on Kazen’s body.

“I ran into him in the city, and he gave me a ride back to the mansion.”

“Another ‘coincidence’ this time, too.”

Eren himself found it strange. That he kept running into someone as hard to meet as Harold so often by chance. But still, it was the truth.

“Whenever I see you smiling at Harold, it makes my blood boil.”

Every time Kazen’s low voice tickled his neck, Eren’s fine hairs stood on end. Unsure how to respond, he simply kept his hands on Kazen’s shoulders and blinked.

“While with me, you always look like you’re about to die.”