Chapter 5: Freak

Okay.

Or normal. Or common sense. Or…

“…”

Well, the word isn’t important. The meaning is what matters.

…Strange…

When was it that I realized I wasn’t normal?

I think I started feeling a sense of unease around puberty.

…Hot…

That I was different from others. That something was wrong with me.

From the first step in the process of changing from a child who knows nothing to an adult, the girl, who encountered her true self that she hadn’t noticed before because she was young—

…No. I’m not hot. I must just…have a cold.

—decided to hide her true self.

The world likes normal.

You can call it ordinary, or you can call it common sense. Anyway, the meanings are similar.

Norms, morals, a cage woven with empty promises and high-sounding words.

People want to confine others in that cage. They want them to chirp quietly without flapping their wings unnecessarily.

When the girl faced her true self, that tendency was even more severe than it is now.

The girl was born into a wealthy environment…no, an environment that was more than just wealthy.

How many people in Korea are born with such a dazzling silver spoon in their mouths? Would it be 1 percent? Would it even exceed 0.5 percent?

She had wealth, and she had honor. Naturally, she also held power in her hands. In the right hand of the girl who wished for ordinariness, there was always such dazzling proof that her hope felt like a deception.

But as a certain American superhero comic said, with great power comes great responsibility.

The girl’s father was a man with great power, and as such, he was a man with many responsibilities.

A man of her father’s stature couldn’t get away with just minding his own business.

Because the gazes of the hyenas, ready to pounce at the slightest gap, weren’t only directed at the prey.

The hyenas always look around the prey. And they find weaknesses in the surroundings, and use them as an excuse to tear at the prey.

The girl’s father was a delicious prey attracting the attention of hyenas, and at the same time, he was a man who knew better than anyone how not to be caught off guard by hyenas.

The fact that the girl, who was only fourteen, decided to hide something was greatly influenced by such a family history. At least, the secret was difficult for the girl to reveal to others.

And even now that it’s no longer a cause for blame, she still keeps the secret.

No matter how much the world has changed, there are still people who would dislike her secret, and her father is still in a position where he has to minimize the number of people who dislike him.

That’s why she has always maintained her own secret, which even her family doesn’t know.

Until he appeared, that is.

—

Hello, Cha Hyewon, Team Leader…am I correct?

The first thought I had when I saw him was, ‘He’s tall.’

My name is Seo Hanbyeol, and I’ve been newly assigned to Team Leader’s department!

In reality, he was quite tall. Even compared to the countless people I’ve seen in my life, he barely managed to scrape into the top tier.

Despite his large build, his impression was very gentle and handsome. Almost to the point of cognitive dissonance.

I’m new to the company and have many shortcomings…but I’ll work hard!

The fact that I didn’t feel much intimidation despite his height meant that his impression and atmosphere felt harmless and comfortable.

Perhaps I sensed it from then on, that he would blend into this new environment very quickly.

You shouldn’t have many shortcomings.

Pardon?

Because I’m a very nasty boss.

And also the future that I would clash with him from the start.

True to his first impression, Seo Hanbyeol was a kind person.

A human sponge who could be accepted anywhere and blend into any atmosphere. No one disliked him, as he was always diligent, always polite, and even always positive.

Cha Team Leader, about Seo Hanbyeol the intern, aren’t you bullying him too much? He hasn’t even taken off his intern badge yet…

It had been less than a month since he joined the company, and the team leader of the neighboring department was already saying such things, so there was no need to say more about his sociability.

Watching him become so friendly with the people at the company that it made me laugh, I suddenly thought of a capybara.

I didn’t see Seo Hanbyeol in a bad light either. If anything, I saw him in a good light.

He’s a little clumsy, but he’s not lacking in ability, he’s diligent, and he’s enthusiastic about his work. It’s not easy to find such a new employee.

It’s just that my personality, or as a subordinate put it, a personality like a ‘demon who likes to suck people’s marrow,’ wouldn’t leave him alone.

Team Leader, would you like some coffee?

…I don’t drink coffee.

…Ah. Then how about iced tea…I bought it for myself, but…

Even so, he didn’t lose his smile or his kindness. There were no exceptions to his kindness.

A person you can’t find a reason to hate, even if you want to. Who could hate such a person?

Um…Team Leader…would you, would you go out with me!

That’s why, when words I thought I would never hear from anyone came out of his mouth.

…Would that be alright?

I couldn’t bring myself to coldly reject his confession, as he trembled and bit his lower lip, unlike usual.

As a lover, I think Seo Hanbyeol was definitely a wonderful person.

His considerate personality was no exception even as a lover, and at the same time, he was even dedicated.

He always considered me and did his best to make me happy.

In fact, I enjoyed my time with him. Although I didn’t show it.

…Seo Hanbyeol.

That was the problem.

He was perfect as a lover. His appearance, his personality, everything was perfect.

If I were an ordinary woman, I would never have let such a person go. Maybe I would have gotten married.

But I wasn’t an ordinary woman.

In my eyes, which are hard to explain simply as being eccentric, there was one flaw in the human being Seo Hanbyeol, a very big flaw.

A critical flaw that would never be a flaw to others, only felt as a flaw to me.

Let’s stop this.

So I broke up with him.

Because the flaw was something he couldn’t help no matter how hard he tried.

No, in fact, it’s ridiculous to even call it a flaw. It’s not his fault at all.

The fault lies entirely with me, with me being born this way.

The best way would have been not to accept his confession in the first place.

But I couldn’t bring myself to reject his confession. Because I didn’t want to see such a kind and friendly person get hurt.

That foolish thought caused him even greater pain. It turned a graze that would have healed quickly into a deep wound that might leave a scar.

But I didn’t regret telling him goodbye itself. If I hadn’t made a decision then, I’m sure I would have torn his heart to shreds, not just wounded it.

I, Cha Hyewon, couldn’t fall in love with Seo Hanbyeol. No matter what, I couldn’t love him as a lover.

As the days went by, my affection for him deepened, but the direction was never a romantic kind of liking.

Affection as a friend, not as a lover.

Knowing that, I was convinced that if I didn’t break up with him, our relationship would end in a much more tragic way.

….Ah, T, Team Leader!

…Who are you..?

But the situation changed.

It’s me, Seo Hanbyeol! I even have my employee ID here!

….Excuse me..???

Because one day he, or rather she, appeared. In a state that I couldn’t even begin to guess what she had gone through.

….The Seo Hanbyeol employee I know is not a woman…

T, that’s right, but…! There are circumstances…!!

The Seo Hanbyeol I knew was clearly a man. An adult man with experience serving in the military.

But the stranger claiming to be Seo Hanbyeol was a woman.

Unlike him, who was well above the average height for adult men in Korea, she was shorter than me.

Unlike him, who enjoyed exercising and had broad shoulders and visible lean muscles, her body showed no muscles or anything.

Nevertheless, I felt that he was the real Seo Hanbyeol.

Because the harmless atmosphere that I felt from him before was also felt from her.

To put it simply, he was Seo Hanbyeol. The hospital and national institutions acknowledged that he was Seo Hanbyeol, so what part could a mere company employee find fault with?

I silently watched him, shedding tears of joy as he successfully returned to work for a while.

I know that having such thoughts is itself a rudeness to him, a great discourtesy.

Nevertheless, I inadvertently muttered inwardly.

“…The flaw has disappeared.”

Because the reason I couldn’t love Seo Hanbyeol.

It was entirely due to my orientation, my sexual orientation.

Freak.

A taste that was once considered a monster, and is still treated as eccentric.

“…I wish I had been born normal.”

I, Cha Hyewon, like women.

“If I had, I wouldn’t be worrying like this…”

Not men, but women.