A Heart-to-Heart

As I walked in a daze, I arrived at the subway station before I knew it.
Normally, I would have walked as slow as a turtle because of the cold, but today, my steps seemed quick.

‘Had Han Do-yoon arrived? If so, where was he?’
I scanned the surroundings, searching for his location.

‘He’s not here… Has he not arrived yet?’
I touched my phone, which was cold from the chill, and put my reddened hands into my padded jacket pockets.

‘He’ll come if I wait.’

Thus, five, then ten minutes passed, but Han Do-yoon didn’t come.
A hollow laugh escaped me at the coldness chilling a corner of my heart.

‘Right, I called him suddenly, so it must have been difficult for him to come.’
‘If that’s the case, it would have been good if he had told me sooner.’
‘I must have expected too much.’

I looked at the cloud-filled sky, then, deciding I should go home, I turned my body around.

‘Should I play games if I go back? No, it’s probably better to just sleep.’
‘It might be good to spend some time without thinking about anything.’

However, just as I was about to head home, a familiar voice stopped my steps.

“—Hyung! Jungwoo hyung!”

I turned around at the somewhat urgent-sounding voice.

There, Han Do-yoon was gasping for breath, his face distorted.

“—I’m sorry. I couldn’t find the parking lot, so I was looking for it and got a little late. I sent you a message to go inside, but you didn’t see it?”

“—No, I didn’t get anything like that.”

“—What? That can’t be…”

At my reply, he checked his phone, looking flustered, then let out a small sigh.

He showed me a message he had written but hadn’t sent because he hadn’t pressed the send button.

“—I guess the send button wasn’t pressed… I’m sorry. You must have been very cold, right?”

“You actually came. I thought you wouldn’t.”

“You called, so I had to come.”

“Why?”

Han Do-yoon didn’t answer my question.
He merely smiled faintly.
I quietly watched his action of avoiding a direct answer and silently walked into a nearby cafe.

‘I felt that nothing had changed about me, then or now.’

I entered the cafe, ordered drinks, and sat down.
The surroundings were noisy, but only silence enveloped Han Do-yoon and me.

‘How should I start the conversation?’

I tapped the table with my fingertips and subtly watched him.
When the vibrating pager chimed, he hurried to the counter and brought the drinks.
Before I could say anything.

“—You must have been cold being outside for so long, is iced okay for you?”

“—I always drink my beverages iced, no matter what.”

I received the Iced Americano from Han Do-yoon and stirred the straw, choosing my words.

Since I had called him, it was right for me to open the conversation first.

Unorganized words tumbled out of my mind.

“—Um… I’m sorry for calling you suddenly. I didn’t mean to… I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot lately.”

“—May I ask what you’ve been thinking about?”

“—It’s nothing much…”

‘I don’t know how to say it.’
I bit the straw, glancing at Han Do-yoon.

‘What would I say if he asked why I’m talking about such things when we’re not even that close?’
‘Should I just say it came to mind?’
‘Or would this person, like that classmate, also talk behind my back later?’

“—Hyung, you can speak comfortably.”

Han Do-yoon reached out and grasped my hand, which was touching the plastic coffee cup.
At his reassuring action, I stopped biting the straw and opened my mouth.

“—It’s just… around this time of year, I sort of, how should I put it…”

“—Yes. Please speak.”

“—It’s almost New Year, you know. No, not even ‘almost’; it’s New Year tomorrow, and it feels like I haven’t really… done anything in the meantime. Like, every time I get a year older, I haven’t accomplished anything, so I guess it’s a feeling of anxiety…”

I dropped my head, the words unable to fully escape my lips.
Even to myself, I felt utterly useless.

‘He wouldn’t be thinking like this, would he?’
‘He wouldn’t understand why I’m having these worries, would he?’
‘Because he’s someone who looks perfect to everyone.’

However, his next words shattered my expectations.

“—I have those times too.”

“…What?”

“—When I was in middle and high school, I just thought if I went to a good university, everything would be fine, but once I actually entered university, I didn’t know what to do. I also wonder if I chose the right major. It’s natural to worry about what to do after graduation. And since I haven’t even been to the military yet, that aspect is even more pronounced.”

I lifted my head from beneath the table and looked at Han Do-yoon.

A warm smile was on his lips.

“—Isn’t it a worry that anyone our age would have? And why do you say you haven’t done anything? You said you worked hard on assignments during the semester and didn’t even play games.”

“—That’s something everyone does, though.”

“—There are also many people who don’t do what everyone does.”

‘Is that so?’

I slowly blinked, staring blankly at his face.
His hand, which was holding mine with a pretty smile, tightened its grip.

“—You’re already doing well. You don’t have to worry.”

I somehow felt like crying.

(2)

Feeling a sting in the tip of my nose, I raised my hand to touch it, and then I heard his laughter.
‘What, why are you laughing?’

“—If you had said, ‘What do you know, hyung?’, I would have had nothing to say. I don’t really know you well, do I? At best, we only know each other from the game.”

“—Well… that’s true.”

“—Haha, this is a bit embarrassing.”

Han Do-yoon scratched his cheek and smiled faintly.
It wasn’t wrong, but I hadn’t expected someone I had only recently gotten to know to listen to my complaints like this.

I had only expected to hear words like, ‘You’re worrying over nothing.’
Feeling awkwardly self-conscious, I drank my coffee, and then his voice came.

“—Just having those worries is enough. At least you’re thinking about what to do in the future, right? I think it’s better to have such worries than to just sit idly, thinking ‘whatever happens, happens.’”

“—You’re… mature. I’d believe you if you said Han Do-yoon-ssi was older, not me.”

“—Is that so?”

Han Do-yoon’s playful words seemed to gently lighten my gloomy mood.
Perhaps that’s why.
His kindness, which I normally would have found uncomfortable, didn’t bother me at all now.

“—Come to think of it, I didn’t hear your answer earlier, but why are you so kind to me? I haven’t done anything special for you, Han Do-yoon-ssi.”

“—Is a reason really necessary?”

“—It is necessary. There’s no kindness without a reason.”

I clenched my fist, memories resurfacing once again.

‘What would Han Do-yoon say?’
‘Would he answer, like that guy back then, that he just liked me, with no particular reason?’
‘Or would he say he had his own reason?’

He seemed to be choosing his words, looking out the window and pausing.

He seemed to be organizing his thoughts.

An awkward silence hung in the air, then Han Do-yoon’s lips parted.

“—At first, I just thought it looked interesting… you’re unique, you know? There are so many other classes, but you specifically chose Gunners to PK.”

“—Ahem, well, I had my own reasons for that…”

“—I know now. You said Altania was your favorite, right? I was just curious what kind of person you were, so I followed you.”

‘As SoonToDie.’

Han Do-yoon smiled as warmly as before… no, with an even brighter and more radiant smile than before.
His smile was so beautiful that I involuntarily stared at him, lost in thought.

“—It was fun how you reacted every time I poked you. I thought it wouldn’t be boring if we went around together, so I followed you even more.”

“—Even so, people usually don’t go that far, do they?”

“—It was my first time following someone around too, so I didn’t have a sense of how much was too much, and I just went with it. Later, I felt it was too much, so I revealed my main character before I was treated like a weirdo. Haven’t I become a bit more graceful lately?”

I let out a hollow laugh at his clear smile.

‘That’s true, he has.’

He did become more graceful after revealing his PatchNote account.
When I only knew him as SoonToDie, I truly thought he was a crazy person.
Suddenly, recent events felt like they had happened a long time ago.

‘Does that mean I’ve gotten used to it that much?’

I touched the damp coffee cup, resting my chin on my hand.
At that moment, Han Do-yoon’s words continued.

“—That was then, and now there’s another reason. But it doesn’t feel like the right time to say it yet, so I’ll tell you later.”

‘Another reason?’
‘What is it?’

I tilted my head, expressing my curiosity, and Han Do-yoon replied that it wasn’t the right time yet, and he would tell me later.

“—That’s a very intriguing way of speaking, you know.”

“—Please be more curious.”

‘So it won’t leave my mind for a while.’

I looked up at Han Do-yoon’s face, vaguely hearing his trailing words, but he merely sipped his coffee, unperturbed.

‘Did I mishear?’

Just then, Han Do-yoon asked a question I hadn’t even considered.

“—Hyung, what are you going to do now? We just got to the cafe.”

My words suddenly caught in my throat.
I had impulsively suggested meeting, without thinking about what to do afterward at all.

“—Um, ahem…. Well. I haven’t specifically thought about it.”

“—Really? Then… won’t you play with me?”

Han Do-yoon rested his chin on both hands and tilted his head.

An action that would have made me want to punch Moon Young-yoon felt completely natural coming from the refined Han Do-yoon.

The problem was perhaps that I didn’t understand why he was doing something he never did.

I was about to ask as politely as possible why he was looking at me like that, when I habitually blurted out something.

“Someone as huge as a mountain, trying to act cute…”

“—Cough. That can happen, too.”

“—It cannot.”

It felt normal only because it was done by someone handsome; if Moon Young-yoon or I had done it, it would have invited a punch.

At my firm tone, Han Do-yoon awkwardly lowered his hands and muttered in a small voice.

“—They said this would work…”

“—What did?”

“—…Nothing.”

Han Do-yoon’s chin trembled slightly as he dodged the question.
From somewhere, I heard a phantom voice saying, ‘You bastard, I’m going to kill you.’

‘It must be that I’m really feeling weak these days.’
‘I’ve been hearing strange noises since earlier, after all.’

Moreover, as I even heard the sound of teeth grinding, I dug my little finger into my ear canal.

‘Should I get some herbal medicine?’