The Affection I Longed For

Eren tried to open his mouth to answer, but Kazen’s interruption made him bite his lip hard. His second finger pried apart the tight entrance and invaded mercilessly.

“Ngh….”

Groaning through clenched teeth, Eren frantically gripped the sheets within reach. The unfamiliar sensation made his toes curl tightly and his back arch involuntarily.

For the first time in his life, like when he had suffered a high fever, unintentional moans spilled out unbidden. Fearing Kazen might be bothered, Eren quickly covered his mouth with his palm.

“This should be enough.”

Kazen withdrew his fingers from inside and grabbed Eren’s waist, pushing it upward. As Kazen climbed onto the bed, the plush mattress sank deeply, unlike when Eren had first lain down.

Kazen lifted Eren’s thighs, positioning himself beneath. Then he took his member and brought it to Eren’s groin.

At the unbelievable heat radiating from below, Eren’s eyes widened. Hearing about intercourse secondhand, he had never imagined it would feel like this. Wet, sticky, and above all, hot and hard.

If it had been anyone other than Kazen down there, he might have been so terrified he would have run away.

“It’ll hurt a little since it’s your first time. Bear with it.”

With Kazen’s brief warning, his large glans spread the slickly moistened entrance and pushed inside. The pain was indescribable, incomparable to his fingers. It felt as if his flesh was tearing.

At the searing pain, Eren held his breath, his mouth still covered. It wasn’t a little pain; it was truly excruciating.

“Ughn…!”

Even though he had covered his mouth, he couldn’t stop the pained sounds from escaping. Kazen, who had been forcing his member into the tight interior, stopped moving and clicked his tongue.

“You’re too tight….”

Eren wanted to beg him to stop, but fearing more moans would escape if he opened his mouth, he bit his lip hard.

He could feel an uncomfortable pressure, as if his stomach was full, even though barely any of it had entered. When Kazen, as if giving up, withdrew his member, the breath Eren had been holding finally exploded out.

“Hah…!”

But Kazen firmly gripped Eren’s waist and thrust in again, harder this time. The glans buried itself deeper than before, yet still less than halfway in.

At his unfeeling, hasty entry, a sound that was neither moan nor sob escaped Eren’s lips. Kazen leaned down and lightly licked the corner of Eren’s tear-filled eye with his tongue.

“Relax, Eren. Otherwise, you’re only hurting yourself.”

“Ah, hngh, Your, ugh, Grace…!”

As if Eren would know how to relax when it was his first time. Whenever Kazen thrust his hips up roughly, Eren’s body bounced helplessly upward.

Having finally carved a path into the tight interior, Kazen grabbed Eren’s slender waist and pulled it downward. He thrust his member deep inside, as if wanting to reach the deepest place.

“Only I should be inside you.”

“Hnng….”

Through the pain-blurred haze, Eren could see nothing but Kazen’s face. In his blue eyes, a fierce possessiveness blazed like sparks. Eren was confused, unable to tell what that desire was directed toward.

Until now, he had thought all of Kazen’s emotions were directed at Harold. But since Kazen had said he and Harold were nothing, Eren could no longer understand any of his actions.

Was his only purpose to hurt Eren and keep him under his thumb? Even without doing that, Eren already had only Kazen in his life.

“Because you are the first thing that has ever truly been mine.”

Listening to his voice, for some reason, Eren’s eyes grew hot. The tears he thought Kazen had wiped away moments ago streamed down his temples.

Only then did Eren understand why this act with him had been so difficult.

The desire Eren had felt imagining Kazen and Harold together wasn’t simply wanting to sleep with him. Eren had wanted to be loved by him. He had only wanted to feel his gentle touch.

But Kazen’s rough movements contained not a shred of affection, and that tormented Eren unbearably.

“Eren, are you crying?”

Kazen, who had been thrusting his hips urgently, suddenly noticed Eren’s tear-streaked face and stopped.

“Why are you crying?”

“…I’m sorry.”

Unable to explain the meaning of his tears either, Eren hurriedly wiped them away with the back of his hand, mumbling.

“Does it hurt that much?”

“Hnng… yes, I think so.”

Hearing Eren’s thin voice, Kazen let out a short sigh and withdrew his member. As it slipped out, a sticky fluid—whether precum or the scented oil—trickled down his thighs.

Eren had never imagined Kazen would stop just because he said it hurt. Curling his body, bringing his legs together, he stared up at Kazen blankly.

“…Is it over?”

It couldn’t be called over; Kazen’s member was still terrifyingly erect. Even glistening with translucent fluid, it looked even larger than before, veins bulging hideously.

But without any reply, Kazen picked up a towel and quietly wiped the fluid dripping down Eren’s thighs.

“That’s enough. I have no interest in bedding someone who’s crying.”

Leaving those words, Kazen turned his back coldly. Eren stared blankly at the bathroom door where he had disappeared, then curled his body into a ball and lay down.

‘It hurts….’

His insides still ached with stabbing pains, and a burning sensation lingered below. But more than that, the dull, heavy feeling, as if he had swallowed a hot stone, was more painful.

Why had Kazen brought him to the Ducal residence? Why had he kept him by his side? And what had been in his heart when he had just held him? For the first time, Eren wanted to understand the feelings of the man he had never questioned.

Though it wouldn’t matter either way anymore.

Nothing had changed. The time Eren had left was still the same, and his decision to leave in a week remained unchanged. So, even if it hurt, thinking of this as his last memory with Kazen, perhaps it wasn’t so bad after all.

* * * *

While Kazen was washing in the bathroom, Eren fell into a doze. When he vaguely regained consciousness, something damp was touching his skin.

‘What is it? This sticky feeling….’

Half-asleep, disliking the unfamiliar sensation on his body, he tried to push it away.

“Stay still.”

But hearing Kazen’s voice, he couldn’t help but freeze. Along with his low voice, a small sigh followed.

Though awake, Eren, unsure how to act with Kazen, kept his eyes closed and pretended to be asleep, not moving a muscle.

“…You certainly sleep well.”

Tsk. Along with a click of his tongue, something lukewarm touched his body with patting sounds. Eren belatedly realized Kazen was wiping his body with a damp towel.

Not only was it unbelievable that Kazen was wiping someone else’s body, but that the person was none other than himself. At this first-time experience, he wanted to open his eyes and look at him.

But suddenly, a touch on his hair made him unable to move. Kazen, that cold-hearted, unfeeling man, was carefully grooming Eren’s hair. With the gentle touch Eren had so desperately longed for, he was stroking his hair.

Eren was sure he was dreaming. Because otherwise, this situation was impossible. So he cautiously lifted his eyelids. Through blurred vision, he saw Kazen sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at him.

“Your Grace….”

Kazen, who had been fidgeting with Eren’s hair, startled and withdrew his hand. Thinking that since it was a dream, he could be a little braver, Eren carefully reached out and grasped Kazen’s hand.

Warmth. The warmth of Kazen he had missed so much was transferred to him. How long had he wanted to hold his hand since that first time he had reached out?

Like a baby holding its mother’s hand for the first time, Eren held Kazen’s hand tightly with his frail fingers. As if it were his salvation.

“…I’m sorry.”

Remembering that he would have to leave his side soon, and feeling guilty for pushing him away earlier, he apologized.

“Why are you always sorry about everything?”

Kazen’s flat tone fell onto Eren’s damp cheek. Soon, a gentle warmth enveloped his cheek.

“Besides that, isn’t there something else you want to say….”

Knowing full well it was a dream, a faint smile escaped him. The delicate touch was so vivid that he didn’t want to wake up. Surely everything would disappear when he did.

But Eren, feeling the tension drain from his entire body, soon fell into a deep, deep sleep.