What Makes My Heart Race

“Your Highness—no, Mr. Harold. You came.”

“The Imperial Palace is farther from the station than I thought. What are you doing, not boarding? It’s about to leave.”

Harold snatched the bag from Eren’s hand and headed toward the platform.

“I-I can carry it.”

“It’s fine. I’m late already, so at least let me carry your luggage.”

Eren, mortified and apologetic at having someone so noble carry heavy luggage for him, didn’t know what to do, but Harold calmly carried the bag onto the train.

Though he had ridden trains while following Kazen, this was the first time he had boarded one with the intention of never returning, so he was nervous.

“It’s been so long since I’ve ridden a train; I’m a little nervous, too.”

Harold also seemed unfamiliar with trains, smiling awkwardly as he spoke. Only after watching him enter the compartment and place the bag in the luggage rack did Eren sit down.

“You’re busy; didn’t you force yourself to make time? His Grace was also extremely busy lately….”

Getting to the next station and back would take at least two days. With a war against the Kingdom of Felosia looming, Eren worried whether it was alright for the Crown Prince to be away on such a frivolous matter.

“Is that so? Kazen was busy?”

But Harold asked in surprise, as if hearing this for the first time.

“Yes, he rarely came to the mansion; he seemed to be summoned here and there. Didn’t you see him often at the Imperial Palace, Your Highness?”

“He did come to the palace, but I haven’t seen him much lately.”

Eren had thought Kazen had been at the Imperial Palace all week, but it seemed he had been spending his time elsewhere. It seemed ridiculous to feel hurt over that now that he had already left him, so he decided not to think about it.

“By the way, did you say a proper farewell to Kazen?”

Harold unexpectedly asked an awkward question. Eren, unable to hide his embarrassment, fidgeted with his hair nervously and answered sheepishly.

“Actually, I only left a letter behind. He probably won’t know where I went or why I left.”

“Is that alright?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I feel guilty for breaking my promise to stay by his side, and I feel like I betrayed him before I could repay all the kindness he showed me….”

Listening quietly to Eren, Harold suddenly reached out. His large palm covered the back of Eren’s hand, which was neatly folded on his knee. Eren was a little surprised to find calluses on the palm he had assumed would be soft.

“You did your best for Kazen. You devoted yourself to him more than anyone else. That’s more than enough to repay whatever kindness he showed you.”

The phrase ‘you did your best’ felt unfamiliar to Eren. Because Kazen had always demanded more from Eren, always wanted him to do better.

To Kazen, Eren had always been lacking, and in his presence, he always felt small and insignificant. But with Harold, he didn’t feel that way, and he liked that.

“So, from now on, live your remaining time only for yourself. Let’s talk about how you’ll spend your time meaningfully.”

“Yes, I will.”

Now, Kazen was the past Eren had left behind at the Ducal residence. Like that painful night spent with him, a memory that would eventually fade away.

* * * *

Talking happily with Harold, Eren dozed off. When he opened his eyes again, dawn was breaking outside the window.

Eren stared blankly at the scenery speeding past outside. Watching the wheat fields turning golden in autumn, Kazen’s face naturally came to mind.

Why did he keep thinking of Kazen even though he had decided not to? He still couldn’t believe he had left him. He felt as if he should return to the Ducal residence that evening and prepare Kazen’s bed.

“Eren, how long have you been awake?”

Harold, who had been asleep, opened his groggy eyes and asked. Eren unconsciously straightened the blanket covering him.

“I haven’t been awake long. Let me get you some warm tea.”

Eren rummaged through his bag and pulled out a water bottle and teacups. These were the first things he had packed, even before clothes.

The water bottle was insulated with a mage-stone, so when he opened it, warm steam rose. He expertly steeped the tea leaves, filling the compartment with a fragrant aroma.

Remembering that this was Kazen’s favorite tea upset him slightly. Wanting to forget thoughts of him, Eren quickly poured the tea and handed it to Harold.

“Eren, you seem very kind.”

Harold said, smiling softly as he held the cup with both hands. Eren paused, about to pull some biscuits from his bag to go with the tea. It was the first time anyone had called him kind, so he was a bit flustered.

“Ah, no. I’m not kind at all. You’re the truly kind one, Mr. Harold.”

“You’re not used to being praised, are you? I was admiring your thoughtful actions. So you don’t need to deflect credit to others.”

At Harold’s calm, positive assessment, Eren’s face grew hot. Listening to his measured tone, his tense body strangely relaxed, feeling warm and comfortable.

He didn’t know who Harold loved, but for a moment, he felt envious. If he was this kind to someone he barely knew, how good must he be to the one he loved?

Until recently, he had been certain that person was Kazen. Now that he knew they weren’t together, he still wasn’t at ease.

“I saw a dining area at the back earlier. Shall we go get something to eat?”

“Yes, that would be nice.”

It was exactly 8 a.m., the time Kazen always ate breakfast. Eren happily left the compartment with Harold.

The train, clearly owned by the Harrison family, was quite spacious and comfortable. The dining room was also large and full of passengers. Thoughts that began with the train led to Arnold. Remembering that Harold also knew Arnold, he couldn’t help but ask.

“By the way, are you close with Mr. Harrison?”

Harold, who had been pulling out a chair by the window, widened his eyes slightly. Eren belatedly chided himself for bringing up a third party who wasn’t even there.

“I know him. Sit down first. I’ll tell you.”

Fortunately, Harold didn’t seem upset. He calmly offered Eren a seat and sat down. Only after ordering meals for two from the waiter did his story begin.

“I met Arnold in university.”

“Ah, Trisett University.”

Eren recalled the conversation Kazen had with Arnold in the restaurant. He had said that was where their connection began. Still, from Harold’s answer, they didn’t seem extremely close.

“Are you close with Mr. Harrison? His Grace seemed to have no idea what kind of relationship you two have….”

Eren had inadvertently mentioned Kazen and was so startled he gasped.

“There’s something we’ve been preparing together since university, but I thought Kazen wouldn’t approve, so I never told him.”

“May I ask what that is?”

“We’re aiming for the abolition of slavery and the revision of election laws. The Factory Act is the first step.”

The world Arnold dreamed of was one where all workers received fair compensation for their labor. Harold was part of that plan.

“I didn’t know you were involved in that plan, Mr. Harold.”

“Actually, it’s only recently that I started thinking this way. It’s a long road, but we’re preparing, step by step. It won’t be easy. The Factory Act has been pending in parliament for three years now.”

Eren looked at Harold with new eyes. He had been a royal since birth and had lived a life of abundance.

Those who already have much usually don’t want the world to change. Because change would mean having to share what they hold.

“Your Highness—no, I think you’re truly an amazing person, Mr. Harold.”

At Eren’s pure admiration, Harold let out an incredulous laugh.

“In that world I dream of, I hoped you would be there, too.”

As Harold’s low voice continued, Eren’s expression hardened in an instant. The word ‘death,’ which he had been trying to forget, suddenly loomed large.

“To be honest, I still can’t believe I’m going to die. It all feels like a lie.”

Eren muttered, fidgeting with his hands on the table. Harold smiled gently and raised his glass, tilting it toward Eren.

“What’s more important than how many days we have left is how rewardingly and joyfully we spend the present moment.”

Eren awkwardly clinked his glass and recalled Doctor Rosalin’s voice.

‘If it were me, I’d spend my remaining life splendidly, doing everything I’d ever wanted to do.’

Eren still couldn’t accept those words.

The leather factory reeking of stale urine, the cotton mill thick with dust, the brewery where the smell of alcohol numbed his nose, then the battlefield, and finally the Clifford Ducal residence.

Eren had never lived his life driven by his own desires. Planning his own future and making choices was unfamiliar and difficult for him.

“Actually, I don’t really know what it means to live a day rewardingly and joyfully. I’ve always just been used to doing what others tell me.”

“It’s not hard. Just find something that makes you happy. Think about what makes your heart race. You’re smart, so you’ll find it quickly.”

Listening to Harold’s gentle voice, Eren felt anew how grateful he was for Harold coming to see him off.

He couldn’t be sure he would have made it this far if he had been alone. Everything had felt so daunting, so anxious, so terrifying. He might have gone back to the Ducal residence, afraid of being left alone again.

“Yes, I’ll try to find what makes my heart race.”

Eren decided to find something new to like, something to replace Kazen, whom he had blindly followed.