I Wanted to Protect Him… But He Wanted to Protect Me

“Why? Is there something on my face?”

Jeongha had been staring at Haeyoon with a dazed expression, barely touching his food, until Haeyoon finally put down his fork and asked. The two were having lunch before Haeyoon sequestered himself in the studio.

“Huh? No, nothing on your face.”

Jeongha shook his head as if he had no idea why Haeyoon would ask such a thing. Haeyoon put down his fork and asked again.

“Then why do you keep looking at my face?”

Now that he said it, it was a bit of an embarrassing question. But he was too curious to hold back. If he had something to say, he should just say it, but whatever he did, he just kept gazing meaningfully, which made Haeyoon too self-conscious to focus. It wasn’t uncomfortable exactly; it was just a little awkward and embarrassing.

“Me?”

But the one causing Haeyoon’s unease asked back with an innocent face. Haeyoon nodded vigorously.

“Yeah. You.”

“I kept looking?”

“Yeah. You did.”

“Me?”

“Are you sick?”

Haeyoon asked with a serious face. It seemed like something was off; he definitely wasn’t in a normal state.

“Let’s see if you have a fever.”

Genuinely concerned, Haeyoon reached out to touch Jeongha’s forehead. Jeongha flinched for a moment, then quickly leaned in as if nothing was wrong. The cool, dry hand touched his forehead.

“Hmm, doesn’t seem like you have a fever….”

“I’m fine.”

He answered that way, but Jeongha knew the truth. He was anything but fine.

His meeting with Woojin had opened up a new world for Jeongha. Vague emotions had sharpened into terrifying clarity, taking on concrete form. The world Jeongha had known until now had shattered completely, recreated into something entirely different. The master of this world was no longer Baek Jeongha, but Seo Haeyoon. Even the great Baek Jeongha couldn’t maintain his composure in the face of such a monumental realization.

Naturally, since that day, Jeongha had been completely out of it. He had tried to pull himself together, at least in front of Haeyoon, but seeing his face only made it harder to think straight.

It was only natural. Seo Haeyoon was the source of the chaos Baek Jeongha was currently experiencing; there was no way he could be composed in front of him. Meanwhile, Haeyoon, perhaps missing the feel of his hand on his forehead, spoke again in a voice full of concern.

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?”

“Yeah. Nothing.”

Jeongha answered immediately. It was a lie, but there was nothing he could do about it for now. His own thoughts weren’t sorted out yet; he couldn’t just start rambling in front of Haeyoon.

“Jeongha.”

“……?”

“You know I’ve seen every side of you, even the most wretched ones… right?”

“…What’s so wretched about you?”

“That’s just a way of putting it. So what I’m trying to say is… you can tell me anything.”

Haeyoon carefully chose his words as he continued. The timing happened to be right, but this was something he had wanted to say for a while.

“You might be having a hard time too, Jeongha.”

Their relationship had started with Jeongha helping Haeyoon. Perhaps because of that, Haeyoon often felt like Jeongha was always trying to appear strong and dependable in front of him. It was different from his playful, boyish side. Even when he put on a sullen expression, it was ultimately a joke; Jeongha rarely showed his own struggles.

“I’m saying that sometimes I want to be helpful to you too. Even if it’s something small, even if it’s just listening, just anything.”

“…….”

“I’m your hyung, after all.”

When Haeyoon said that, Jeongha couldn’t help but laugh. It wasn’t mockery. Quite the opposite. Jeongha felt a kind of reverence for Haeyoon.

He realized there was nothing he could do. Because Seo Haeyoon was this kind of person, maybe that was why Jeongha couldn’t act entirely of his own will in front of him.

He had thought it was all his own doing—getting drawn in, caring, developing feelings even without a defined relationship, and finally forcing his way back into his life. But in truth, it was the deep impression Seo Haeyoon had left on his heart, without even trying, that had brought him this far.

“Sometimes, let me protect you too.”

But look at Seo Haeyoon. If anyone saw such a person, met him, got to know him, wouldn’t they be helplessly swept away? Wouldn’t they want to be swept away?

“…Okay, hyung. If you need to, even if you tell me to buzz off, I will. So don’t worry.”

Jeongha answered, deliberately injecting a casual playfulness into his voice. This was enough for now. Haeyoon was someone who found love painful and tiresome, and Jeongha was someone who didn’t know love at all.

Jeongha knew they both needed more time. He needed to approach carefully, so Haeyoon wouldn’t get hurt or suffer more.

“First, let’s eat. It’s getting cold.”

He placed the fork back in Haeyoon’s hand, who was still looking at him suspiciously. Being able to care for him in these small ways made him happy again, and he laughed. Even if it made Haeyoon even more suspicious, he couldn’t help it.

* * * *

“Oh, got it on me again….”

Just as Haeyoon was about to turn off the studio lights after a quick clean-up before leaving, he noticed a paint stain on his cuff and made a dejected face. The stain definitely hadn’t been there ten minutes ago.

Maybe it was because he’d been spending long hours at the studio again. The paint fairy who lived there seemed to be excited too.

One of the pieces for his upcoming exhibition was actually inspired by this troublesome paint fairy. He thought his fans would secretly enjoy knowing that. Haeyoon often had fun with such imaginings.

The little, round fairy made of clumped oil paint was playful and mischievous, but also secretly soft-hearted and lonely. If you didn’t give it enough attention, it might ruin all your clothes and bags.

Haeyoon let his pleasant imagination run its course, did a quick fix on his stained sleeve, and stepped outside.

The late-night air was cold but clean and crisp, which felt good. Haeyoon paused for a moment, filling his lungs with the winter wind.

“Haeyoon.”

A familiar voice suddenly called his name. Even without seeing who it was, his chest tightened, and his body tensed. When he turned his head, a familiar figure was standing there looking at him.

The person who had once always been closest to Haeyoon, Oh Jaeyeol.

* * * *

Jaeyeol and Haeyoon sat across from each other for the first time in a long while. It was a café near the studio.

Jaeyeol had hinted that he’d prefer to talk at Haeyoon’s studio, using the late hour as an excuse, but Haeyoon pretended not to notice and brought him to this 24-hour café nearby.

He didn’t want to let Jaeyeol into his most important, private space now, especially remembering that Jeongha had gotten hurt stopping Jaeyeol from barging in before.

“How have you been?”

After the coffee arrived, it was Jaeyeol who broke the heavy silence. Haeyoon answered without hesitation.

“Yeah. You, hyung?”

“…Well, you know.”

It was Jaeyeol who hesitated. In his eyes, Haeyoon looked undeniably better. Until the wedding, he had been overly thin, gaunt with no color, but today was different.

He was still thin, but seemed to have gained a little weight, and more than anything, his face looked vibrant. Even with the same pale skin, it had a different quality.

For some reason, that change bothered him. He hadn’t had a single peaceful night’s sleep since the wedding, yet Seo Haeyoon seemed to be doing too well. Jaeyeol bit his lip.

“I heard you came to the studio before.”
“Huh? Oh… you knew?”
“I heard from Jeongha.”

The immediate reply made Jaeyeol even more uncomfortable. The humiliation he’d felt the day he ran into Baek Jeongha was still stuck in his heart like a thorn.

Since there had been no contact afterward, he’d naturally assumed Jeongha hadn’t told Haeyoon. He thought if Haeyoon knew he’d come by, he would have reached out.

But he knew. Knowing he had come, Haeyoon hadn’t contacted him. Even though Jaeyeol had punched Jeongha, shouldn’t Haeyoon have contacted him, asked what happened, if he was hurt from the fight? Wasn’t he worried?

His thoughts were in chaos. He had thought when he met Haeyoon, he would naturally regain the upper hand, but instead, he was the one floundering. Haeyoon sat calmly, taking a sip of coffee, showing no sign of agitation.

Haeyoon was, in fact, calm. When they’d first seen each other, he’d been flustered by the unexpected encounter, but that was it. Actually sitting face-to-face, his heart strangely settled.

He had imagined what it would be like to face Jaeyeol again. After hearing he had come all the way to the studio, he had been anxious, thinking he might show up again any day.

In those many imaginings, Haeyoon had never been okay. He had pretended to be fine on the outside, but inside, he had struggled with heart-wrenching pain. Knowing he still had wounds that hadn’t fully healed, he had expected that meeting Jaeyeol would rip them open again.

So he had resolved to listen to Jeongha. To never meet him alone. To rely on him, even if it was an inconvenience, whether it was dawn or early morning.