A Restless Night

It was deep into the night, yet Liu Yinuo still couldn’t sleep.

She tossed and turned in bed, her once neatly combed black hair now a tangled mess. Stray bangs clung to her face, disheveled.

Picking up her phone from the bedside table, she lit up the screen. The dim light fell on her weary face.

It was already past midnight.

Her fingers glided lightly over the phone, though she didn’t know what she was looking for. She flipped from QQ to WeChat—no new messages. She didn’t even have Ye Xingmian’s contact information, since that girl didn’t even own a phone.

She opened a video app she hadn’t used in a while. A random QQ video played—nonsensical. She frowned and swiped it away. The next video was something she would normally be interested in, but now it felt dull. She turned off the phone.

She writhed and twisted in bed, venting a restlessness she couldn’t even name. With a sigh, she sat up, turned on the light, and shuffled in her slippers to her computer.

Occasionally, the winter wind rattled outside, and a car roared past, making the night feel even more still. Staring at the gradually brightening desktop, she sat in a daze.

Actually, why did I turn on the computer? If I have a question, why not just ask my phone?

Scenes kept replaying in her mind, refusing to fade. Her fingers rested on the keyboard as she stared blankly at the browser’s search bar.

She couldn’t forget Ye Xingmian at all—that timid, fragile girl who evoked a protective instinct. Her eyes dimmed, and her right hand unconsciously clenched into a fist. Once again, the question that had plagued her for so long surfaced.

“Why are you avoiding me…?”

In the silent room, her sudden murmur was startlingly loud against the soft hum of the computer fan.

Have I not been good enough to you? Do you think I’m not sincere enough? Or… is this a test?

If it’s just about Lin Ziyan and my parents’ threats, there’s no reason to avoid me even when we’re alone, right?

She couldn’t figure it out. These questions weighed on her heart like an ominous cloud that refused to dissipate.

Oh, and there was also Li Li’s question. She thought I liked Xingmian.

Why? I thought I only felt simple pity and sympathy for her living conditions. Maybe also some admiration for her appearance? Perhaps—I don’t mind admitting that I do find her pitiful face quite pretty and cute. Sometimes I even want to get close to her, hug her, smell her scent…

Is this like… like?

She didn’t know. Having been taught only to study diligently, with almost no time for leisure, she knew little about such things.

Otherwise, she wouldn’t be so confused.

The moment she realized Ye Xingmian was deliberately avoiding her, she felt heartbroken, distressed—a sense of being betrayed. It was driving her crazy.

She even had thoughts that frightened herself: using force to bring Xingmian home, making her curl up in her arms, protecting her from all those bad people.

Turning into a girl, identities—none of that mattered. As long as she was by her side, under her watch, everything would be fine. She could definitely protect her.

“…”

Staring at her own hand, Liu Yinuo felt dazed.

Is this normal?

She had always thought of herself as gentle. How could she have such forceful thoughts that ignored others’ will?

So painful, so confusing. Bewilderment, self-blame—all emotions surged into her heart. She folded her arms on the desk, buried her face in them, and lay still for a long time.

What’s wrong with me… It’s so strange…

A sour feeling rose in her chest. Was it grievance? A bit like it, but not exactly. She felt like crying but couldn’t. Stuck in between, it was suffocating.

After long hesitation, she solemnly typed into the keyboard. With a clatter, a familiar line appeared in the search bar:

“What does it feel like to like someone?”

Her finger hovered over the Enter key. Nervous, expectant, but mostly afraid, she finally pressed it.

[About 48,800,000 answers]

[Liking someone is a complex and beautiful feeling, usually accompanied by strong emotional fluctuations, a desire for closeness, and attention to each other’s lives.]

[Desire for Closeness]

[Support and Understanding]

[Longing and Anticipation]

Her gaze involuntarily moved through the explanations under each term. The more she read, the more uneasy she became. Hugging her chest, she curled up until she finished reading, then fell into a daze again.

This describes me perfectly…

Especially the last one—in the quiet night, the other person’s figure and smile appear in your mind. Isn’t that exactly what’s happening to me now…?

Ugh… so strange…

Embarrassed, she covered her blushing face and pretended to be calm as she closed the browser.

What a joke? I like Xingmian? I’ve only known her for a few days… Am I that promiscuous?

Impossible, impossible! How could that be?!

No matter what, she couldn’t believe she had fallen for that girl. She tried to forget what she had just searched for. Forget! Forget it all!

“Wuwu…”

But once the shame passed, she slumped onto the desk like a withered cabbage. Her tea-colored eyes reflected the blue wallpaper of the computer desktop, and a faint mist welled up.

But still, thinking about Xingmian avoiding her hurt so much.

Why… why, why, why…!

She pounded the desk with her weak little fists, then shut down the computer, pretending none of this had happened. Turning off the light, she lay in bed, closed her eyes, and tried to sleep. But it was completely useless—she couldn’t sleep at all.

This won’t do. I have class tomorrow, and the day after is the weekend. I can’t stay up too late, or I’ll doze off in class.

Speaking of which… the day after tomorrow is the weekend. Should I try to bring the little cutie to my place?

But I’m afraid she’ll avoid me again. If that happens, I won’t have much recourse. Is there any easy way to get close to her?

Despite her strong doubts about her own motives after what happened, her concern for Ye Xingmian didn’t waver. She would still try to approach Xingmian with kindness.

It’s absolutely not because of liking or anything! Absolutely not!

So, I need to be patient. Counting the time, there’s still half a year until the college entrance exam. I still have a chance.

After thinking it over, she decided to talk to the homeroom teacher tomorrow and try to switch seats to be Ye Xingmian’s deskmate.

There’s still an empty seat next to her, right? Yeah! That’s what I’ll do!