finally became what i hate

“Would cross-dressing truly make me stronger?”

Su Xuan offered a bitter smile.

“My destiny is my own, not heaven’s! Even without cross-dressing, I can still become the ultimate powerhouse!”

Su Xuan abruptly rose to his feet, gazing at the several pieces of women’s clothing in his wardrobe, and resolved to dispose of them all.

Pulling open the closet, he found the carefully selected women’s attire from years past, still perfectly wearable even now.

Since that summer vacation, Su Xuan’s physique had remained largely unchanged; he stood at 1.72 meters, with a frame slightly smaller than that of an average male.

Those alluring pieces of women’s clothing lay exposed before Su Xuan’s eyes.

Su Xuan, who had been resolute in his conviction to discard the clothes, suddenly found his mind wandering.

‘Is this truly success? Am I merely adhering to formalism, when in reality, I am afraid—afraid of cross-dressing?’

‘If my inner self is strong enough, even daily cross-dressing wouldn’t affect my mind, would it?’

‘Don’t make excuses for your cowardice; cross-dressing isn’t the culprit!’

Su Xuan deflated, his arms dropping in resignation.

Suddenly, an utterly preposterous thought surfaced in his mind.

‘Wear it, conquer it, don’t be its s*ave—become its master!’

Su Xuan’s expression grew subtle; in his eyes, the women’s clothing seemed to shimmer with a peculiar light, and he couldn’t help but imagine himself traversing the streets in it, countless passersby brazenly fixing their gazes upon him, the sheer, unparalleled thrill of it all.

Yet, his fantasy was abruptly interrupted by a dream, once again featuring that street filled with filth and shadows.

‘Heh, if you truly dare to come, I will show no mercy!’

He wouldn’t fear those ruffians in real life, and dreams were always the opposite of reality.

By openly acknowledging his cross-dressing and letting go of his inhibitions, he might even manage to find a girlfriend.

The more Su Xuan pondered, the more he convinced himself that cross-dressing was entirely harmless, benefiting him in countless ways; little did he know, this was merely his subconscious desire for cross-dressing manifesting as self-comfort or an excuse.

When one views things through tinted glasses, they are either entirely right or entirely wrong.

Su Xuan, trembling, reached into the wardrobe, muttering to himself.

“I… will… conquer you! Heh heh…”

****

The person in the mirror was of unparalleled beauty, with long, slender black hair, and a light makeup that lent them a youthful vibrancy.

Their sparkling, moist eyes seemed to speak like a mischievous fae, and their slightly pursed red lips gleamed with an alluring luster.

A black, ascetic choker adorned their neck, paired with a black-and-white gradient off-the-shoulder mid-length T-shirt and ultra-short denim shorts, completely exposing one straight, slender thigh to public view.

Two parts innocence, three parts melancholy, five parts desire—their appearance was so captivating that it made onlookers struggle for self-control, fearing they might commit something unlawful.

Su Xuan stared blankly at his reflection, his expression a little dazed.

“What… what happened to me?”

Su Xuan gazed raptly at his own face, realizing that beauties who astounded the world often possessed an androgyne quality.

How could a normal girl possibly possess such a mysterious aura?

Stepping into women’s shoes that revealed his cute toes, Su Xuan felt as though his entire body was enveloped by something wondrous.

Su Xuan’s heart pounded rapidly, for this was the first time in many years he had ventured out dressed like this.

‘Cross-dressing and not going out? Is this just for self-admiration?’

He tiptoed in his exquisite sandals, hesitating in the living room.

Glancing at the people moving to and fro outside, a peculiar sensation welled up within him.

Opening the door, his heart thumping with trepidation, he poked his head out.

Seeing no one on the floor, his racing heart calmed.

He pressed the elevator button to go down.

The elevator doors opened, revealing a young boy who appeared to be an elementary school student, staring blankly at Su Xuan.

Children of this age already possessed a rudimentary ability to distinguish beauty from ugliness, and Su Xuan’s charm, which captivated both young and old, clearly left the little boy spellbound.

Seeing the boy stare at him in a daze, Su Xuan felt an inexplicable, fantastical sensation slowly rise within him.

His little toes curled, his mind far less calm than he appeared.

Stepping out of the elevator, he twisted and turned his way out of the residential complex.

And that little brat would likely never forget the celestial older sister he encountered in the elevator during his childhood.

Su Xuan cautiously made his way onto the street.

Although he didn’t intend to buy anything, a desire propelled him towards the bustling pedestrian street.

“Oh! A stunner!”

A few boys on the side, seeing an exquisite beauty approaching them, nearly drooled.

“Which school is she from, Brother Chao? How come I’ve never seen her before!”

“You’ve seen plenty of stunners you don’t know, but this one, aside from being a little small there (TL Note: referring to her chest size), is perfect everywhere, especially that face!”

The group pretended to casually glance at Su Xuan, then began discussing among themselves.

“A woman with a face like that, before it’s like a saintly immortal, during it’s like a devil of desire… absolutely top-tier.

I once… ah, never mind, it’s not for kids!”

“Brother Chao, what’s a woman like that taste like?!”

The younger guys, stimulated by Brother Chao’s words, drooled as they eagerly sought more information.

“A double conquest, both psychological and physical—it’s incredibly satisfying!

That day was like this…”

In truth, Brother Chao grumbled inwardly, ‘I wish I knew what it felt like myself!’

Su Xuan faintly overheard the group’s conversation, and his face slowly turned crimson, his wine-red cheeks captivating to behold.

Yet, this was merely a small fraction of the attention; walking down the street, countless men cast sidelong glances, their eyes betraying a hint of possessive desire.

“What are you looking at? Am I not pretty enough?”

A woman, noticing her boyfriend secretly glancing elsewhere, followed his gaze to see an exquisite beauty.

Immediately jealous, she fiercely pinched the flesh at the man’s waist.

“No, no, darling, how could anyone be prettier than you…”

The man mumbled, wiping the drool from the corner of his mouth.

Knowing he was in the wrong, the man quickly appeased his girlfriend, even mentioning he might consider buying her a handbag or something similar.

Before he knew it, Su Xuan found himself approaching a trendy women’s clothing store.

Its dazzling displays made him itch to try something on.

“Welcome~”

The sales assistant smiled as she greeted Su Xuan, causing a strange thrill to ripple through him.

“Mmm…!”

Su Xuan gazed at the myriad styles of women’s clothing, as astonished as Granny Liu entering the Grand View Garden (TL Note: A classical reference from the Chinese novel Dream of the Red Chamber, describing a country bumpkin’s amazement at an opulent estate).

Although he owned women’s clothes, they had only been purchased online; Su Xuan had never truly entered such a physical store, and his heart trembled with apprehension, fearing some unforeseen incident.

After entering, he found nothing particularly strange; he was simply choosing clothes, and no peculiar gazes were cast his way.

‘So, I was the strange one all along!’

Su Xuan relaxed his brows, directing his gaze towards the various garments.

Seeing the colorful array of clothes, Su Xuan felt a bit overwhelmed, unsure where to even begin.

Noticing Su Xuan’s indecision, the female sales assistant approached him with a smile.

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

“N-no… nothing!”

Realizing someone had addressed him, Su Xuan quickly rejected her offer.

His natural voice had almost given him away at first, but he swiftly recovered, replying in a falsetto.

“Alright, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me.”

Watching the sales assistant walk away, Su Xuan let out a long breath, patting his non-existent chest.

Relying on his powerful imagination, Su Xuan “tried on” each piece of clothing in his mind.

He finally selected a pink hooded crop top, a blue-and-white academic-style outfit, and a few T-shirts that caught his eye.

Carrying the bag felt like holding a bundle of sins, yet the little thrill within him and the urge to rush home and change clothes completely suppressed any sense of guilt.

Men on the street swallowed hard, ogling Su Xuan, particularly his pair of perfectly slender, long legs.

“I could play with those legs for a lifetime!”

“Ah, step on me, let her mercilessly trample me to death!”

Countless sordid thoughts surfaced in the minds of various men, and their eyes, filled with desire, dimmed.

“A woman like that must be some dignitary’s canary!”

“No one in this world is worthy of a girl like her!”

Amidst their fluctuating hopes and losses, the beautiful figure vanished into the bustling crowd.

“Grumble~”

Su Xuan, who had forgotten to eat breakfast, now felt the full force of his protesting stomach; it was almost noon.

“Braised Chicken with Rice… that sounds good…”

Su Xuan chose a good restaurant and pushed open the door.

Inside, several people who looked like students were eating heartily.

One male student, eating with relish, sensed someone entering.

He habitually glanced towards the door.

‘My goodness, a super hot girl!’

He accidentally drooled.

The boy, captivated by Su Xuan’s alluring figure and her long, fair legs, found himself utterly entranced.

Looking at the orange-yellow braised chicken soup before him, he suddenly felt it wasn’t quite so appetizing anymore.

“Boss, one large braised chicken, extra broth, medium spicy.”

“Alright, twenty-three.

Takeout or dine-in?”

The auntie looked at Su Xuan, secretly thinking, ‘This girl is truly beautiful.

What a pity my good-for-nothing son just stays home all day, doing nothing; how could he ever be worthy of a girl like her?’

‘If I had a daughter-in-law like this, I wouldn’t complain about making her braised chicken every single day.’

Su Xuan had no idea of the auntie’s intricate thoughts.

If he had known, he would likely have covered his mouth with a charming smile, for he was, after all, a boy~ Several tables were occupied or full, so Su Xuan had no choice but to share a table.

The man he shared with was overjoyed, but being inexperienced, he deliberately feigned a calm demeanor, fantasizing about the ‘girl’ striking up a conversation with him.

‘Girls these days probably fall for this act.

With my aloof persona, this beauty will surely become madly infatuated…’

However, he never imagined that his mediocre looks, bloated physique showing no signs of exercise, and utterly plain attire would never attract a girl.

Of course, if you were dangling a string of expensive car keys, and subtly wearing a valuable yet understated watch on your wrist, perhaps a discerning girl might approach you to discuss human evolution and reproduction.

What he never could have imagined, however, was that this beauty was not a woman at all; perhaps what they pulled out would be larger than his own.

‘Why hasn’t she struck up a conversation with me yet?!’

The boy saw his braised chicken with rice rapidly diminishing, realizing he truly didn’t have much time left.

Meanwhile, other men watched the guy next to Su Xuan with intense jealousy, wishing they could instantly rush over and take his place.

Yet, even though there was actually room for two more people at that table, not a single man dared to seize the opportunity.

‘Hmph, men!’

Su Xuan let out a soft, delicate hmph.

His voice was so faint that even the idiotic man, whose full attention was fixed on Su Xuan, couldn’t hear it.

“Braised chicken with rice, ready! Serve yourself…”

The auntie carried the braised chicken over, placing it on Su Xuan’s table.

Su Xuan gracefully rose and walked towards the rice serving station.

The men once again fixed their eyes on his slender, long legs, their desirous gazes spreading with red veins.