Chapter 6: Misalignment

He possessed every quality that would make him likable to others:

A decent appearance, a diligent attitude, and a kind personality.

People liked Seo Hanbyeol for those reasons, and I liked Seo Hanbyeol as well. I just couldn’t love him as a romantic partner.

My inherently twisted preferences were programmed to prevent me from feeling love for the opposite s*x.

I don’t mean to make discriminatory remarks, but my views on romance were definitely outside the norm. That’s why I hid them.

But hiding things doesn’t solve anything. No matter how much I suppress my instincts, no matter how hard I try to force a change in my perspective, I can’t love what I don’t love, or not love what I do love.

That’s why I broke up with him. No matter how good a person he was, as long as he was a man, I knew my instincts would reject him on a physiological level.

If I had ignored that and deepened our relationship, one of us would have broken down eventually. Either I would have broken down from not being able to love, or he would have broken down from not being loved.

…No.

It’s all just a lame excuse. From the moment I accepted his confession.

If I had really been worried about him, I shouldn’t have accepted his confession in the first place. It was me who didn’t reject his confession due to a momentary lapse in judgment, and it was also me who coldly pushed away his heartfelt feelings.

I scarred his heart. I marred the bright smile of Seo Hanbyeol, a person who shone as beautifully as a jewel.

What’s both ridiculous and hypocritical is that the instinct that prevented me from accepting him, the man who loved me so much, started to make me look at him the moment he became a woman.

The only reason I couldn’t love him was because he was a man. So, now that he’s a woman, it’s perhaps only natural that these eyes, which I want to gouge out and crush, are drawn to him.

“…..Hah.”

I’m no better than a beast. No, maybe a beast is better. Even the most instinct-driven beast wouldn’t be as vile and repulsive as I am.

I mustn’t approach him. I mustn’t harbor any foolish feelings. If I don’t want to hurt him again.

I know that, I know that, and yet…

“Really…”

I feel pathetic.

Why did that woman’s attitude suddenly change?

No matter how much I think about it, I can’t understand her. The person who wouldn’t even give me a proper glance when we were dating, why is she looking at me straight now?

“…Does she hate men?”

Perhaps Team Leader… does she hate men?

It’s been an open secret in the company for a while that she’s particularly harsh on male employees. In fact, most of the employees who get chewed out by her are men.

But that’s only half true and half false. The reason female employees don’t get chewed out by the Team Leader is purely because there aren’t any women in the department.

There was an incident in the past where a female employee from another department made a huge mistake and still acted shamelessly.

At that time, the Team Leader went directly to that department and spent a full three hours thoroughly and brutally crushing that person. I witnessed firsthand how that person, who had been angrily indignant without even realizing their mistake, came out three hours later, sobbing and sniffling.

So, it’s not that the Team Leader extremely hates men and doesn’t hate women. Probably.

Of course, even if she doesn’t hate them to that extent, she could still have a stronger aversion to the opposite s*x than to the same s*x. It’s easier for men to hang out with men, and it’s easier for women to hang out with women.

So, the reason she’s being so friendly to me, or rather, comparatively friendly… is it because I’ve become a woman?

When I was a man, she was averse to me and reluctant to get close, and now that I’m a woman, that aversion has disappeared?

But the Team Leader’s actions are too strange to dismiss as mere aversion.

As we can see from the previous case of the female employee, the Team Leader is definitely not the type to go easy on someone just because they’re a woman.

She’s someone who enjoys squeezing people like a rag until they can’t even scream… does that sound too evil?

Even if it’s not to that extent, it’s a clear fact that Cha Hyewon, Team Leader, scolds her subordinates more often than any other superior, a fact that I know, the Head of Department knows, and the Team Leader herself knows.

Yet recently, she hardly ever reprimands me. Even when there’s something to reprimand, she ends it quickly with a much weaker intensity than before.

And she always tries to have lunch with me… why?

…Could it be.

No, that doesn’t make sense.

That’s not the kind of person she is. Team Leader, Cha Hyewon, there’s no way she would.

…But what if, just what if.

Team Leader, Cha Hyewon…

…Wants to torment me?

I can’t imagine the Team Leader holding a grudge against someone and relentlessly tormenting them. As a superior, Cha Hyewon is a consummate career woman who is extremely meticulous and strict, but perfectly separates work from personal matters.

But it’s also true that no one in the company can claim to know the Team Leader’s true personality.

Even the seniors who have worked under the Team Leader longer than I have, and even the Head of Department who has worked with her even longer, wouldn’t know Cha Hyewon, Team Leader in charge of scenario planning, as a person.

What if, compared to her outward appearance, the Team Leader is actually a very sensitive person?

What if she’s someone who can’t easily resolve her complaints or resentments and unconsciously expresses the grudges she’s accumulated in her heart?

It might be petty, but it’s actually a very common type of person. Someone who could be anywhere.

And I have done something that could give her a reason to hold a grudge.

I confessed to her, and we spent a considerable amount of time as lovers.

During that considerable amount of time, even if she didn’t express any dissatisfaction, she didn’t show any positive reaction either.

Maybe the Team Leader was disappointed in me? Not in Seo Hanbyeol the subordinate, but in Seo Hanbyeol the person.

While I was dating her, I can confidently say that I did my best in my own way.

But that’s only according to my standards, and my best might not have felt like the best to her.

In fact, many couples break up because of differences in opinion. One person may have sincerely treated the other, but the other person may not have felt it was a good fit or that it was enough.

Isn’t it possible that the Team Leader is that kind of person…? I can’t completely deny it.

Of course, as I’ve said many times, the Team Leader strictly separates public and private matters. In the first place, there are many people besides me who have displeased the Team Leader.

The Team Leader didn’t respond to those people individually or give them disadvantages, but treated them fairly. It’s just that the standard of fairness is very strict.

Immediately after we broke up, the Team Leader didn’t focus on tormenting me. She scolded me as always, and she scolded others fairly as well.

But suddenly, I had this thought. What if she thought it was okay as long as she didn’t mix personal feelings into public matters?

The Team Leader doesn’t torment me publicly. It’s only private torment.

Actually, I don’t even know if I should call it torment. She’s just asking me to have lunch with her every day, isn’t she? She hasn’t asked me to pay for anything either.

Of course, just having lunch with a boss, especially alone, is already extreme pain and torture for a subordinate.

And the Team Leader is not someone who wouldn’t know that. In order to make a person sincerely repent for their mistakes, you need a way to subdue them in many ways, and the Team Leader is the unrivaled number one in that field.

So, only within the bounds of non-public torment. Only within the bounds of what wouldn’t be a public problem.

Even if a problem arises someday, she’s trying to subtly give me a hard time in a way that can’t be held against her, isn’t she?

“Does it suit your taste?”

=You couldn’t even figure out my food preferences all this time?

“I’m glad it suits your taste. There’s a reason why it’s so expensive.”

=A mutt who eats anything and tries to feed me anything is enjoying expensive food.

…Is that too much of a leap? Honestly, it sounds ridiculous.

There’s a limit to how much you can speculate, this is paranoia.

But it’s clear that there’s some hidden meaning. Just now, she said something about wanting me to realize something someday.

“Still, on the other hand, I also have the hope that you’ll realize it someday.”

The above are all just my speculations and delusions, but this is what she said directly with her own mouth.

The Team Leader, Cha Hyewon, wants me to realize something. Without any intention of telling me what it is.

“Ugh…”

A sphinx, and a riddle from a boss.

This is difficult. What’s the answer?

“First of all…”

Let’s treat her as usual, as before.

Then maybe… even if I don’t know the answer, she’ll at least drop a hint?

As friendly as before, as polite as before.

As… kind as before, I’ll try to approach her.