Chapter 6: To be out of sync

He had all the elements that others would find attractive.

Good looks, a sincere attitude, and a good personality.

People liked Seo Hanbyeol, and I also liked Seo Hanbyeol. Just not as a love interest.

My congenitally twisted taste was programmed not to feel love from the opposite s*x.

I’m not trying to be discriminatory, but my view of love was clearly in the realm of abnormality. That’s why I hid it.

But hiding alone doesn’t solve anything. No matter how much you suppress your instincts, no matter how hard you try to change your perspective, you can’t love what you don’t love and you can’t not love what you love.

That’s why I broke up with him. No matter how good a person he was, as long as he was a man, I knew that my instincts would physiologically reject him.

If I had ignored that and become closer to him, probably at some point one of us would have broken down. I, who couldn’t love, would have broken down, or he, who wasn’t loved, would have broken down.

….No.

It’s all just a lame excuse. From the moment I accepted his confession.

If I had really worried about him, I should have refused his confession from the beginning. It was I who couldn’t refuse his confession due to my short-sightedness, and it was also I who coldly pushed him away.

I scarred his heart. I scratched the bright smile of Seo Hanbyeol, a person who shines beautifully like a jewel.

What’s ridiculous and at the same time disgusting is that the instinct that couldn’t accept him who loved me so much, started to look at him as soon as he became a woman.

The only reason I couldn’t love him was because he was a man. So now that he’s a woman, it might be natural for these eyeballs, which I want to dig out and crush, to turn to him.

“..Ha.”

Not even a beast. No, maybe a beast would be better. No matter how instinctual a beast is, it wouldn’t be this ugly and disgusting.

I shouldn’t approach him. I shouldn’t have any unnecessary feelings. If I don’t want to hurt him again.

I know that, I know that, but….

Really…

I feel pathetic.

Why did that woman’s attitude suddenly change?

No matter how much I think about it, I can’t understand her. Why is a person who didn’t even give me a proper look when we were lovers looking at me straight now?

“…Does she hate men?”

Maybe the team leader…hates men?

It’s been publicly spread throughout the company that she’s particularly harsh on male employees. In fact, most of the employees she nags are men.

But that’s strictly speaking, half right and half wrong. The reason why female employees don’t get nagged by the team leader is purely because there are no women in the department.

There was a time when a female employee from another department made a huge mistake and acted shamelessly.

At that time, the team leader went to that department and spent three hours thoroughly and cruelly trampling on one person. I watched a human who didn’t know her own fault and was only getting angry cry her eyes out after three hours.

So the team leader is probably not someone who extremely hates men and doesn’t hate women. Probably.

Of course, even if she doesn’t hate them, she may have a feeling of rejection towards the opposite s*x rather than the same s*x. Men are comfortable playing with men, and women are comfortable playing with women.

Then the reason why she’s so friendly to me, I mean, relatively friendly, is….because I became a woman?

When I was a man, she had a feeling of rejection and didn’t want to get close, and now that I’m a woman, that feeling of rejection has disappeared?

But the team leader’s actions are…..too strange to be dismissed as simple rejection.

As can be seen from the previous case of a female employee, the team leader is by no means a person who goes easy on women.

A person who enjoys squeezing people like a rag until they can’t even scream… Does this sound too evil? Even if it’s not to that extent, it’s a clear fact that Team Leader Cha Hyewon scolds her subordinates more often than any other boss, and I know it, the general manager knows it, and the team leader herself knows it.

But recently, she rarely blames me. Even if there is something to blame, unlike before, she ends it briefly with a very weak intensity. And she always wants to have lunch with me every lunchtime….why?

…Maybe.

No, that can’t be, can it?

She’s not that kind of person. The team leader, that Cha Hyewon, surely wouldn’t.

….But what if, just what if.

The team leader, Cha Hyewon….

…wants to bully me?

It’s hard to imagine the team leader harboring resentment towards someone and persistently bullying them. As a boss, Cha Hyewon is a perfect career woman who, although severely demanding and strict, separates work and personal matters.

But it’s also true that no one in the company can claim to know the team leader’s true personality.

Even the seniors who have worked under the team leader longer than I have, and the general manager who would have worked with the team leader longer than them, wouldn’t know human Cha Hyewon, not scenario director Cha Hyewon.

Maybe the team leader’s heart is actually very soft compared to her outward appearance?

Maybe she’s a person who can’t easily resolve her complaints or grievances and unknowingly expresses the grudges that have accumulated in her heart?

It might be petty, but it’s actually a very common human image. Something you can find anywhere.

And I have done something that could make her hold a grudge.

I confessed to her, and we spent a considerable amount of time as lovers.

During that considerable amount of time, she didn’t express any complaints, but she also didn’t show any positive reactions.

Maybe the team leader was disappointed in me? Not in subordinate Seo Hanbyeol, but in human Seo Hanbyeol.

During the time I was with her as a lover, I can confidently say that I did my best.

But that’s only by my standards, and my best may not have felt like the best to her.

In fact, many couples break up due to differences in opinion. When what one person does with all their heart doesn’t match the other person’s code, or doesn’t satisfy them.

The possibility that the team leader is such a person….can’t be completely denied, can it?

Of course, as I said several times, the team leader strictly separates work and private matters. There are many people who have offended the team leader besides me.

The team leader didn’t respond to or disadvantage those people, but treated them fairly. It’s just that the standard of that fairness is very strict.

Right after we broke up, the team leader didn’t intensively bully me or anything. She nagged me as usual, and she equally nagged other people.

But suddenly such an assumption came to mind. What if she thought it was okay as long as she didn’t include personal feelings in official matters?

The team leader doesn’t bully me publicly. It’s purely private bullying.

Actually, I don’t even know if I should call this bullying. She just asks me to have lunch with her every day. She hasn’t asked me to pay.

Of course, having a meal with your boss, especially alone, is already extreme pain and torture for a subordinate.

And the team leader is not someone who wouldn’t know that. In order to make a person sincerely repent of their mistakes, various methods are needed to subdue them, and the team leader is the unrivaled number one in that field.

So as long as it’s not public bullying. As long as it’s not publicly problematic.

Even if a problem arises someday, she might be giving me silent jabs in a way that won’t get her caught.

Does it taste good?

-You didn’t even know my food preferences all this time.

I’m glad you like it. There’s a reason why expensive things are expensive.

-You eat anything and tried to feed me anything, but you eat expensive things well.

…Is it too much of a leap? Honestly, it seems ridiculous.

Guessing is one thing, but this is paranoia.

But it’s clear that there’s some hidden meaning. Didn’t she say something about wanting me to find out something earlier?

Still, on the other hand, I also hope that you’ll find out someday.

The above are all my speculations and delusions, but this is what she said herself. The team leader, Cha Hyewon, wants me to find out something. Without intending to tell me what it is.

“Ugh…”

Not a Sphinx, but a riddle from my boss.

This is awkward. What’s the answer?

“For now..”

Let’s treat her as usual, as before.

Then….maybe she’ll drop a hint, even if not the answer?

As kindly as before, as politely as before.

As…gently as before, let’s approach her.