I Came Home Alive… But Not Safe

Hee-woon gripped the doorknob and took a deep breath.

The breath he exhaled trembled miserably.

Biting his lips tightly, he looked down at his clothes.

The greyish dust he had washed off in the subway bathroom.

His clothes looked passably clean.

It was just past 7 AM, so his mother might already be awake.

Hee-woon brushed his bruised cheek with his fingertips and pulled the doorknob.

The small house—one kitchen, one room—had a tiny kitchen to the left when the front door opened, a bathroom straight ahead, and the room to the right.

The house was dark and quiet.

Standing in the entryway, Hee-woon looked at the translucent sliding door.

His mother seemed to still be sleeping.

He breathed slowly.

The lukewarm air carried a familiar scent.

“Hee-woon, is that you?”

His mother’s voice, cracked as if waking up, came from inside the door.

Something surged up from his chest.

Hee-woon tightly closed his eyes and spoke.

“Yeah. I’m going to wash up.”

His voice, suppressed from holding back tears, sounded strange even to him, so he quickly entered the bathroom.

Rustle—the sound of the sliding door opening.

“How can you come home at this hour without a word?”

“…I wasn’t feeling well.”

Hee-woon said, closing the bathroom door.

His voice, swallowing tears, was similar to when suppressing a rising urge to vomit.

“Did you drink? Oh dear, this kid.”

The sound of slippers sticking to the floor faded away.

The sound of the refrigerator opening, clinking, water pouring into a cup.

Listening to the sounds outside the bathroom door, Hee-woon slid down as if collapsing.

“Haah-.”

As he lowered his eyes, tears fell in drops.

His entire body, which had been tense from pretending to be fine, trembled as if broken.

Afraid sobbing might escape, Hee-woon clenched his teeth.

He survived. He came home alive.

Hee-woon closed his eyes and cried silently.

His chest ached dully, as if it would burst from crying soundlessly.

The events of last night chaotically surfaced in his mind.

The dizzyingly swaying vision, the grim factory, screams, sloppy kisses, red blood, the eyes of a dying person, his own desperate pleas to be spared, himself desperately sucking a penis.

Suddenly, the urge to vomit surged.

Hee-woon crawled painfully to the toilet and emptied his stomach.

Having eaten nothing, only gastric acid came out.

It looked exactly like semen.

With trembling hands, he flushed the toilet and rinsed his mouth at the sink.

Staring at his swollen face with blurred vision, a voice came from outside the door.

“Hee-woon, are you okay?”

Spitting out water, Hee-woon strained his voice.

“Yeah. I feel a bit better after throwing up.”

“You should drink in moderation. I left clothes outside the door.”

“Thanks.”

Every time he heard his mother’s voice, vivid images of her dying appeared.

He was afraid.

It felt like Seo Kang-woo might come any moment to kill them.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Hee-woon muttered like a mantra and turned on the shower.

Swoosh—

He stared blankly at the water stream from the showerhead.

The image of gushing blood falling to the floor superimposed over it.

Tightly. Hee-woon closed his eyes.

After a long while, he opened them and took off his clothes.

His hands trembling as they undid buttons was familiar.

He lifted his head.

In the narrow bathroom, the only place to look without seeing his reflection in the mirror was the showerhead.

“…The water bill will be high.”

The mutter was hollow.

Hee-woon tilted his head a little higher.

Bright light stabbed his eyes.

The round, white light bulb was the least unbearable among things to look at.

If his mother found out about yesterday, she might collapse again.

For his already weak mother, that would be too much.

“……”

So swallow it.

Act as if nothing happened.

So no one notices.

So Seo Kang-woo doesn’t kill me.

Alone, let’s try hard.

Finally, his mottled body entered the now-warm water stream.

Amid the water sounds, suppressed groans occasionally leaked out.

                                                                                                                  ****

That day, Hee-woon went to his scheduled tutoring in the evening.

With every movement, excruciating muscle aches and pain between his buttocks made him clench his teeth so hard his jaw later throbbed with a burning ache.

Seeing his clearly beaten face, his mother asked in alarm what happened.

Hee-woon brushed it off, saying he fell.

His mother, with a subtle expression, told him to be careful and lay back down.

This wasn’t the first time Hee-woon came home beaten.

Lately, he had been hit by loan sharks a few times; his mother cried and raged, saying she wouldn’t let them get away with it.

But there was nothing she could do, and eventually, she chose to pretend not to know.

Late at night, after tutoring ended, his mother quietly asked him,

“If money’s tight, should I try to get some?”

“No. One of my students improved a lot, so I got a bit more pay. That’s why I paid back a little late.”

His mother, who had momentarily moved her lips, nodded.

Seeing her face clearly showing fatigue, Hee-woon said,

“Why are you still awake? I’m going to wash up, so you sleep first.”

“Okay.”

His mother lay down.

The one-room house was so small there was almost no space left when she and Hee-woon lay down.

Glancing at the bedding his mother had laid out for him, Hee-woon gathered his clothes and went to the bathroom.

He knew his mother wouldn’t fall asleep.

Because when Hee-woon finished washing, returned, lay down, closed his eyes, and breathed evenly, she had to quietly get up and take out the ointment hidden under the blankets.

Because she had to carefully apply the ointment while crying silently.

This time, it wasn’t from loan sharks.

Recalling a much more terrifying experience, Hee-woon deliberately thought of other things.

The remaining debt calculated to nausea, his brother’s promise to return when settled, the money his mother secretly sent to his brother, and the resulting blows to his cheek when money ran short.

“Our Hee-woon…”

A warm hand stroked his forehead.

Sometimes,

Hee-woon wished his mother was very, very wicked.

                                                                                                ****

Monday arrived.

Lack of proper sleep left his face swollen, and bruises worsened, making his appearance terrible.

A large gauze patch covered his cheek, now turned purple.

On the way to school, Hee-woon steadied his urge to flee several times.

All weekend, Hee-woon wished Monday wouldn’t come, and also wished it would.

Not wanting to face Seo Kang-woo, and wanting to confirm he wouldn’t kill him—those two feelings merged.

Unfortunately, today’s first class was a major course Seo Kang-woo also took.

In this class, Seo Kang-woo usually sat by the inner window.

The second or third row from the back.

To avoid Seo Kang-woo’s gaze and leave the lecture hall first, he needed to secure a seat near the back door.

So Hee-woon arrived at school earlier than usual.

But.

Seo Kang-woo was sitting alone in the empty lecture hall.

Hee-woon, nearly frozen, walked right past the wide-open lecture hall door.

He thought he heard the sound of a chair scraping, so his steps gradually quickened.

Only after mindlessly descending the stairs did he realize he was running.

Confirming Seo Kang-woo wasn’t following, he still felt scared and entered the campus store.

Then he lingered near crowded areas, glancing at the door repeatedly.

Some people looked at him strangely, but he didn’t care.

Hee-woon left the store at 8:57 AM.

To arrive at the lecture hall by 9 AM, the start time.

This was a major course with strict attendance, so Hee-woon usually allowed about 15 minutes leeway.

For a scholarship, even a 0.01% difference in score mattered.

Last semester, he didn’t get the scholarship and took a student loan, so this semester he had to get the scholarship, no matter what.

It was sickening to worry about money while under threat of death.

Hee-woon sighed bitterly and opened the lecture hall door.

Fortunately, one seat near the door was empty.

As he set down his bag and glanced slightly, Hee-woon’s face stiffened.

Because Kang-woo was looking at him.

‘Come here.’

Seo Kang-woo moved his own bag from the seat next to him and mouthed the words.

Hee-woon barely managed to make an expression of not understanding and pretended to take out his book as he sat in his seat.

He felt the gaze, but when the professor started calling attendance, it was withdrawn.

After class, he left the hall faster than anyone, hid in a bathroom stall two floors below, then went to his next class.

During lunch, afraid of encountering Seo Kang-woo, he ate at a convenience store near the back gate.

Fortunately, like a stalker, he knew Seo Kang-woo’s entire schedule.

He managed not to encounter him until all classes ended.

Seo Kang-woo’s Monday classes ended at 6 PM.

Hee-woon looked at his watch pointing to 5 PM and sighed.

Today passed safely too.

Just two more months of enduring like this.

Since this was Seo Kang-woo’s last semester.

“Haah…”

Should I take a leave of absence?

If I take leave now, how much tuition can I get back?

Even considering all that, if I took leave and took on another part-time job, I’d earn much more money.

But then, earning more money doesn’t mean I can pay off more debt.

‘Your brother said he’s short on money for his business…’

The image of his mother smiling awkwardly surfaced.

Hee-woon stopped in his tracks and covered his eyes.

Lack of sleep and being on edge all day made his eyes extremely tired.

Today’s tutoring was from 8:30 PM.

So he had time to go home, rest his eyes briefly, and then go.

Several people passed by Hee-woon, who stood still with his head bowed and eyes covered.

Thinking that tomorrow there were no morning classes and no overlapping classes with Kang-woo, Hee-woon took a deep breath and removed his hand from his eyes.

“Ah, sorry.”

He almost collided with someone coming from the front, bowing and stepping aside.

But the man’s feet in front didn’t move at all.

Hee-woon’s face, puzzled, turned deathly pale the moment he looked up.

“Sleeping standing up?”

“Ah…”

A groan-like sound escaped his gaping mouth.

Hee-woon stepped back and looked around.

This wasn’t a deserted factory with no one around; this was inside a campus where hundreds of people would pull out their phones at the slightest odd behavior.

Here, he couldn’t harm him.

“What. Did someone call me, sunbae?”

Seo Kang-woo followed his gaze and asked casually.

“…No.”

“Then.”

“Huh?”

“Why are you looking somewhere else, you fucker?”

For a moment, his tone was so calm it was doubtful to the ears.