I Thought It Was a Mistake… But I Meant Every Second

“What’s the big deal?

I’m not nervous at all.”

Jeongha, who had been about to enter the studio door code, stopped and started hopping in place for no reason, then rolled his neck and shook out his shoulders, making a fuss.

He kept saying he wasn’t nervous at all, but anyone could see he looked like someone so nervous he couldn’t think straight.

Seo Haeyoon, who hadn’t even shown his face properly since their s*x, had truly driven Baek Jeongha half mad.

There had never been another time in his life when he had felt so anxious and uneasy.

Whenever he contacted Haeyoon, he pretended to be mature and composed, but Baek Jeongha’s daily life, which Haeyoon couldn’t see, was rapidly falling apart.

It was natural that all kinds of regret came flooding in.

Had he been too hasty, too rough?

Knowing it was too much for a Beta’s body, had he pushed too hard to the end, making him lose interest?

He held back and held back, wanting to call Haeyoon several times a day and beg for forgiveness.

After barely escaping the tidal wave of regret, when the quiet night came, an anxiety he had never felt before in his life would find Jeongha.

What if he lost Seo Haeyoon like this?

What if Haeyoon said he never wanted to see him again?

What if Haeyoon decided not to continue their relationship anymore?

Assumptions he would have scoffed at before infiltrated Jeongha’s nights in the name of insomnia.

Strangely, it wasn’t confidence that held Baek Jeongha together each time.

Nothing Baek Jeongha possessed gave him any certainty.

In those moments, the only thing Jeongha could trust was Seo Haeyoon’s kindness, and that alone.

The certainty that no matter what conclusion Haeyoon reached, he wouldn’t cut him off like this.

The belief that Seo Haeyoon would never be cold to someone who had helped him.

That was the only rope Baek Jeongha could hold onto in the deep night.

That Baek Jeongha was enduring his anxiety through faith in someone else, not himself.

No one who knew Jeongha would believe it, but this was definitely the reality he was experiencing.

And today, Jeongha is trembling at the prospect of reuniting with Haeyoon.

“I’m going crazy, really….”

Having failed the mission of ‘naturally entering the door code’ several times, Jeongha laughed hollowly and muttered.

He had always found sayings like ‘the one who loves more loses’ pathetic, but look at him now.

Anyone could see that Baek Jeongha was the weaker one.

How had it come to this?

How had he gotten here?

While the great Baek Jeongha was falling apart like this, what had he been doing, just letting it happen?

No matter how much he thought about it, it was useless.

It was wrong from the start.

A lost game from the beginning.

From the moment he first laid eyes on Seo Haeyoon, it was already a lost game, but he had foolishly pretended to be confident, pretended to enjoy the game, without even knowing that.

The pain he felt now might be the accumulated karma from the bluff and ignorance back then.

If only he hadn’t approached Haeyoon as if enjoying and observing his pain, maybe the anxiety he felt now would be a little less.

“Stop being so pathetic.”

After a final self-chastisement, Jeongha finally entered the code he had been hesitating over.

As he pulled open the unlocked door and slowly started to open it, an excitement he hadn’t even known existed burst from his heart and spread throughout his entire body.

The now-familiar scent of paint hit his nose.

Jeongha unconsciously lifted the corners of his mouth in a smile.

Even though there were so many things to be不安 and worried about, this was why he had come all this way in an instant.

The reason he had never once wanted to run away, no matter what obstacles lay ahead.

“Ah… Jeongha, you’re here?”

Seo Haeyoon, standing in front of the canvas in a paint-stained apron, blinked his large eyes slowly as he looked at Jeongha.

Even though the sun wasn’t shining, it was dazzling.

His heart was pounding so hard he could feel the vibration all the way to the soles of his feet.

He wanted to run to Haeyoon with all his might and pull him into his chest, and at the same time, he wanted to hold him as preciously as the most valuable treasure in the world.

He wanted to have that person.

So that there could be no more confusion.

Ultimately, that was the feeling.

He wanted to whisper “I love you” and hear those same feelings returned.

He wanted to heal all of Seo Haeyoon’s wounds in his own name, so that the traces of the past could no longer cause him any pain.

It was a longing that surpassed regret, fear, and anxiety.

Savoring the affection that made all his worries and concerns pale in comparison, Jeongha walked toward Haeyoon.

There was no more hesitation.

* * * *

“Hyung.”

“Mm-hmm?”

Jeongha inwardly laughed at Haeyoon, who visibly flinched at what was just an ordinary call.

He wondered how someone who showed his feelings so honestly every time had managed to live as ‘the expressionless, cool Seo Haeyoon’ all this time.

Take today, for example.

Haeyoon might think he was acting naturally, but to Jeongha’s eyes, it was clear that he was struggling with the situation.

It wasn’t unexpected.

Haeyoon had been avoiding him ever since they had s*x.

He always gave a reason, but Jeongha wasn’t naive enough to believe those excuses.

He wasn’t hurt or upset by it.

The only regret was that he couldn’t see his face, that he was worried and missed him; everything else, he could understand.

Having unexpected s*x with Baek Jeongha must have been not just embarrassing but a shocking, monumental event for Haeyoon.

Honestly, the act itself wasn’t particularly surprising or shocking to Jeongha.

He knew that a base desire for Seo Haeyoon lurked inside him.

He was just holding back, not because it was a light matter for Haeyoon, but if Haeyoon had given permission, it would have happened anytime.

He suspected that Haeyoon hadn’t.

Perhaps he was even more wary of this kind of situation.

Haeyoon was not the type to impulsively do something he couldn’t take responsibility for.

How hard must it have been for him to accept this?

Jeongha fully understood Haeyoon keeping his distance.

But that didn’t mean he intended to just let a retreating Haeyoon be.

Jeongha knew very well that he was the one who needed to close the distance that Haeyoon had created.

Jeongha silently looked at Haeyoon, who was shrinking back as if waiting to be scolded by his mother, then sat on the sofa, patted the spot next to him with his palm, and spoke.

“Can we talk for a bit?”

“Now…?

Here?”

“Yeah.

Now.

Right here.”

They had originally planned to go out and have dinner together.

Haeyoon, who found being alone with him in an enclosed space stiflingly awkward, had been frantically getting ready to leave.

Haeyoon looked back and forth between Jeongha and the spot next to him with a flustered expression.

Really? Now? His eyes asked several times.

Jeongha read all of Haeyoon’s questions, all the hesitation in them, but pretended not to and made a sullen face.

“You don’t want to talk… with me?”

Baek Jeongha knew.

Seo Haeyoon couldn’t win against this expression and attitude of his.

Sure enough, Haeyoon quickly shook his head and came over to Jeongha.

“What are you saying?

It’s not that I don’t want to.

I don’t not want to.

I don’t not want to.”

He repeated that he didn’t not want to several times, even after quickly sitting down next to Jeongha, clearly quite flustered.

Jeongha had to bite the inside of his mouth.

He almost burst out laughing.

Jeongha’s mind calmed down surprisingly the moment he met Haeyoon in person.

It was as if all the anxiety he had felt right up until opening the studio door had been an illusion.

Baek Jeongha knew what this meant.

It was proof that the source of Jeongha’s fear was only one thing: losing Seo Haeyoon.

If Seo Haeyoon was in his world, if he could reach out and touch him, if he had the chance to do anything to win his heart, Baek Jeongha was afraid of nothing.

Realizing that, Jeongha could now clearly see what he needed to say to Haeyoon.

Turning his body slightly toward Haeyoon to face him, Jeongha spoke in a cautious voice.

“First… I want to apologize.”

“…Apologize?”

“What happened that day was because I suddenly lost control of myself.

I know you must have been surprised and flustered.”

“But…!”

“Because that might have felt like a kind of pressure to you, hyung.”

The apology was sincere.

Of course, as soon as Jeongha realized his state was abnormal, he had tried his best to leave.

But Haeyoon, who felt he had received a lot of help from Jeongha, might have unconsciously wanted to help him.

He couldn’t be sure that sense of indebtedness hadn’t affected Haeyoon at all.

“I should have been careful not to let something like that happen… I’m sorry.

You must have been really surprised.”

“Th, that’s….”

Haeyoon stammered.

His eyes were full of confusion.

Jeongha’s words, that he shouldn’t have done that that day, sounded as if he was saying that what happened shouldn’t have happened.

Had he been regretting it after all?

Had his optimism, which he had been sure wasn’t wrong, been mistaken?

His heart sank.

It felt like the whole world was shaking.

But before Haeyoon’s discouragement could deepen, Jeongha continued.

“What I’m even more sorry about to you, hyung… is that despite that, I enjoyed it.

So much so that I’ve recalled that day several times since.”

In that moment, light returned to Haeyoon’s eyes, which had been dimming.

Forgetting his embarrassment and awkwardness, Haeyoon looked straight at Jeongha.

With a face more sincere than ever, Baek Jeongha spoke.

“I didn’t think for a moment that I was making a mistake.

It felt like I was doing something right, like I had finally found what I desperately wanted.”

“…….”

“I really wanted to tell you this too.”