The Door Before the Law

“We’ve graduated!!!”

Long Shaotian stared blankly at the five large characters written in colorful chalk on the blackboard.

Besides these words, the blackboard was also covered with the crooked signatures of every classmate. Long Shaotian searched for a long time before finally finding ‘Bai An An’ written in a delicate script. Next to ‘Bai An An’ were two wobbly numbers—

“09.”

Long Shaotian’s lips curved upward in a faint smile. Beside the ‘09’ were his own powerful, vigorous characters: ‘Long Shaotian.’ These three words seemed to possess a certain magic, causing all other signatures to orbit around them.

Of course, the words held no actual magic; it was simply that most of their classmates understood Long Shaotian’s subtle affections for Ling Jiu. Yet, Long Shaotian, the only one oblivious to this, felt he had executed his affections flawlessly, even feeling a touch of pride.

He believed that if he could protect Ling Jiu in this way, it would be a victory in itself.

Perhaps, after this, he would never have such an opportunity again.

Just then, Long Shaotian suddenly noticed an umbrella-shaped symbol inexplicably appearing between the signatures of ‘Bai An An’ and ‘09.’ He immediately understood its meaning and knew precisely who the culprit was.

He turned his gaze towards Bai An An, who was surrounded by girls in the center of the classroom. Bai An An seemed to sense Long Shaotian’s stare, flashing him a V-sign before breaking into a confident, victorious smile.

That smile seemed to say, “Long Shaotian, I won.”

I certainly didn’t win, but An An, neither did you.

Long Shaotian returned her smile.

****

Reflecting on his three years of high school, Long Shaotian might have initially considered those thousand days mundane, even a little bitter. However, upon closer introspection, behind the bitterness and ordinariness, he found a faint, refreshing sweetness.

This sweetness was as coveted as an ice spring beneath a scorching sun, and as warming as the gentle rays of winter. Yet, Long Shaotian could only truly savor this sweetness as his youth drew to a close, much like a grand door that opened only for him before the law, and would now close only for him.

Speaking of the door before the law, a dim afternoon naturally came to Long Shaotian’s mind, when Ling Jiu recounted a particular story to him:

“Before the Law stands a doorkeeper. A countryman comes to this doorkeeper and asks for admittance to the Law. But the doorkeeper says that he cannot grant him admittance just now. The man thinks it over and then asks if he will be allowed in later.

‘It is possible,’ answers the doorkeeper, ‘but not now.’

Since the gate of the Law stands open as always, and the doorkeeper steps aside, the man bends down to peer through the gateway. The doorkeeper notices this and laughs, saying, ‘If you are so drawn to it, try to enter despite my prohibition. But bear this in mind: I am powerful. And I am only the lowest of the doorkeepers. From hall to hall, there stands a doorkeeper before every door, each more powerful than the last. Even the third doorkeeper is so terrible that I myself cannot bear to look at him.’

The countryman had not expected such difficulties; people say the Law is always open to everyone, at any time, he thought. But when he now examines the doorkeeper in his fur coat, his large, pointed nose, his long, thin, black Tartar beard, he decides it is better to wait until he gets permission to enter. The doorkeeper gives him a stool and lets him sit down at the side of the door. There he sits for days and years. He makes many attempts to be admitted, and he wears the doorkeeper out with his entreaties. From time to time, the doorkeeper gives him brief interrogations, asking about his home and many other things; but these are indifferent questions, such as great men put, and always ends by telling him he cannot yet admit him. The countryman, who had equipped himself with many things for his journey, has spent everything; he spends everything, however valuable, to bribe the doorkeeper. The latter accepts everything but says, ‘I take this only so that you do not think you have left anything undone.’

For many years, the countryman almost continuously observes the doorkeeper. He forgets the other doorkeepers; this first one seems to him the only obstacle to admittance to the Law. He curses his unfortunate fate, loudly and without restraint during the first years, but later, as he ages, he only grumbles to himself. He even becomes childish; in his years of observing the doorkeeper, he has come to know that there are fleas in the doorkeeper’s fur collar, and he even asks the fleas to help him change the doorkeeper’s mind. Finally, his eyes grow dim; and he does not know whether it is really growing darker around him, or whether his eyes are merely deceiving him. But in the darkness, he now sees a radiance that streams inextinguishably from the gateway of the Law. He is now on the verge of death. In his dying moments, all his experiences from this entire process rush into his head and condense into a question he has never yet put to the doorkeeper. He beckons to the doorkeeper; his body is stiffening, and he can no longer stand up. The doorkeeper has to bend low to him, as their height difference has become greatly to his disadvantage.

‘What more do you want to know now?’ asks the doorkeeper. ‘You are insatiable.’

‘Everyone strives for the Law,’ says the countryman, ‘so how does it happen that for all these many years, no one but myself has sought admittance?’

The doorkeeper sees that the man is at his end, and in order to reach his failing hearing, he roars at him, ‘No one else could gain admittance here, for this gate was intended only for you. Now I am going to close it.’”

After finishing the story, Ling Jiu asked Long Shaotian what he had understood from it.

Long Shaotian felt he understood, yet he struggled to articulate his thoughts. In the end, he could only shake his head, admitting his confusion.

Later, he listened to Ling Jiu speak for a long time about Kafka, Foucault, and Lacan. Despite the abundance of philosophical content, Long Shaotian only remembered Ling Jiu’s demeanor when discussing philosophy, which was a stark contrast to her usual silence.

Only when discussing things she loved would Ling Jiu’s eyes sparkle with joy.

Long Shaotian loved listening to Ling Jiu’s stories because he felt he could only understand her inner world through them. As for the philosophical knowledge, Long Shaotian believed only Bai An An would listen attentively.

To be honest, Long Shaotian detested this world, constantly seeking a way out. Yet, he lived with all his might, because he loved the world that Ling Jiu cherished.

Long Shaotian’s world was one of rampant materialism, where everyone, driven by desire, lived like mindless zombies. Ling Jiu’s world, however, was far more poetic.

Ling Jiu described this world as a barren expanse, upon which humanity had piled discarded castles. Amidst the crumbling ruins of these castles, resilient flowers bloomed naturally.

With that single flower, the once barren world was no longer desolate. The gray world gained color through the presence of life, and with color, more things could be depicted by people’s brushes.

Long Shaotian regarded Ling Jiu as the sole splash of color in his barren world. As time passed, he gained a deeper understanding of Kafka’s ‘Before the Law.’

He felt he was the countryman in the story, Bai An An was the doorkeeper before the law, and Ling Jiu was the unknowable Law itself within the gate.

All rules before the gate were set for his entry, yet his entry would ultimately destroy all rules. Thus, the gate was open for him, yet he was destined never to pass through it.

Long Shaotian was destined not to have Ling Jiu, for Ling Jiu never belonged to anyone.

A wave of profound disappointment washed over Long Shaotian at this realization.

“Congratulations, Brother Long, the college entrance exam was quite easy, wasn’t it?”

Some boys from the class noticed Long Shaotian sitting alone in his seat and approached him with smiles, striking up a conversation.

“It was alright.”

Long Shaotian, still lost in his melancholy, instinctively frowned. However, he quickly adopted a friendly, approachable expression.

“You all must have done quite well.”

The boy shook his head. “Ah, hard to say. Us academic failures might have to rely on your generosity, Brother Long, in the future.”

“Haha, may you get rich and not forget your old friends.”

Just then, Cai Lili, another girl in the class who had a decent relationship with Long Shaotian, saw him. She walked over, a little shy, and asked with a blush:

“Um, Young Master Long, after our graduation dinner, could we go to KTV together?”

“Just the two of us?”

Long Shaotian seemed to have some reservations.

Cai Lili realized Long Shaotian might be about to refuse her and quickly added, “Other classmates will be coming too.”

“Alright, I’ll see if I have time then.”

Long Shaotian’s tone was somewhat perfunctory and impatient. Even he didn’t understand why he felt such an irritable sensation within him.

He murmured, “After all, it’s the last time.”

“That’s great!” Cai Lili, oblivious to Long Shaotian’s displeasure, looked genuinely delighted.

“Long Shaotian.”

A stoic-faced boy with glasses, Jiang Hong, the class monitor, also squeezed through the crowd.

“Have you seen Ling Jiu?”

“Ling Jiu? She probably won’t come today, right? Isn’t she usually absent from class activities?” another boy chimed in.

“Is that so?” Jiang Hong adjusted his glasses. “But I think I saw her come in earlier today.”

“Why are you looking for Ling Jiu?”

Long Shaotian had never particularly liked Jiang Hong. In his eyes, Jiang Hong was a quarter of a rival in love. Although Jiang Hong had never openly expressed feelings for Ling Jiu beyond friendship, Long Shaotian, operating on the principle of ‘guilty until proven innocent,’ remained constantly wary of him.

“Well, it’s nothing major. This is Ling Jiu’s notebook, which the homeroom teacher confiscated. It’s filled with a lot of esoteric stuff. The teacher was worried Ling Jiu would neglect her studies by getting too engrossed in mysticism, so she temporarily confiscated it. Now that we’ve graduated, the teacher intends to return the notebook to Ling Jiu.”

“I know where Ling Jiu is. I can give it to her for you.”

“Oh, thank you then.”

Long Shaotian took Ling Jiu’s notebook, intending to leave the classroom, when Jiang Hong suddenly called out to him.

“Wait a moment.”

“Is there anything else?”

To Long Shaotian’s surprise, the usually expressionless Jiang Hong actually smiled. “I’ve always considered you my competitor and have been working hard to surpass you. Perhaps not now, but one day, I will definitely exceed you. Long Shaotian, happy graduation.”

Long Shaotian froze for a moment, but then he chuckled, a look of understanding dawning on him. “Mm, happy graduation.”

****

Although he had left the classroom, Long Shaotian could still feel the frenzied atmosphere that pervaded the entire school, as if the end of the world were nigh.

He walked slowly down the corridor, holding Ling Jiu’s notebook. Countless shredded paper scraps fell around him like heavy snow. Like an outsider, he heard the shouts and songs emanating from every classroom, yet he could never truly immerse himself in the atmosphere of farewell.

Summer was a melancholic season. Whether it was youth or life itself, everything always seemed to end in this season, and yet, it always seemed to begin in this season too.

Long Shaotian traversed summers and winters, laughter and tears, sunny days and rainy nights. He walked along a path woven from countless tiny memories, guided by the moonlight, until he reached a secluded pavilion on campus, rarely visited by others.

He saw a young woman leaning against a pillar, silently gazing at the tranquil night sky. Enveloped by the moonlight, her long, golden hair emanated a faint, sacred glow. The exquisite features sculpted by the moonbeams made her appear, from a distance, like a saint untouched by worldly affairs.

As the night breeze swept through, her long hair swayed with the wind. The young woman then gently brushed her hair aside, inadvertently stirring Long Shaotian’s heartstrings.

Long Shaotian watched her for a long time, not daring to disturb that sacred stillness.

After a considerable pause, Long Shaotian took a deep breath, breaking the silence.

“Ling Jiu, you really are here.”

The young woman turned, glanced at Long Shaotian, and replied with a hint of natural innocence, “Long time no see.”

“Long time no see, my foot! It’s only been half a day!”

Long Shaotian’s carefully cultivated emotions, built up over a long while, largely vanished in an instant because of Ling Jiu’s single remark.

He steadied his breathing, composed himself, and, with newfound humor, teased, “So, did you miss me?”

Ling Jiu rolled her eyes at him.

“Yes, very much. I’ve been thinking about you all day today.”

“Huh?”

Just as Long Shaotian’s heart swelled with unexpected ecstasy, Ling Jiu spoke with some difficulty:

“I wanted to tell you before the exam, but I was a bit embarrassed to say it then. Well, there’s no one else here now, so I’ll just remind you. Long Shaotian, your fly, it seemed to be undone earlier.”

Long Shaotian looked down at his pants, froze for a few seconds, then slammed his head against the pillar.

His heart turned to ash.

“I might as well just die.”

“Go for it. May you be reborn in Scandinavia,” Ling Jiu actually encouraged him seriously.

“Couldn’t you have stopped me? Even with a fake consolation?”

Long Shaotian didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Yet, as he laughed, a sense of relief washed over him.

Indeed, this was the Ling Jiu he loved.