The Perils of Being Carried by a Blockhead Swordsman

I am Lu Ren, the assassin. No, wait, I am Hero Emily.

Confronted with Helter’s abrupt challenge, I was initially dumbfounded. It wasn’t until his greatsword cleaved into the ground that I suddenly snapped awake. I vaguely recalled him mentioning a year ago that he’d challenge any Hero he encountered, but I’d dismissed it as drunken ramblings.

Helter was absolutely serious about fighting me! Especially with that “Slash of the Descending Sky” technique—no, wait, “Meteorite Smash”! He actually used both hands! I’d never seen him do that before, and the sheer power was not to be underestimated!

Fortunately, Hero Emily’s physical prowess was more than adequate! I managed to withstand the blow, albeit barely. Had I been in my original body, not even nine lives would have been enough to survive that!

“If Lu Ren informed you of my strength, then you must have held back, didn’t you?” Helter chuckled, slinging his greatsword back over his shoulder.

‘Held back? What nonsense! I gave it my absolute all! Otherwise, someone would have gotten seriously hurt—or worse! Hero Emily certainly couldn’t afford to die a second time!’

‘And you, Helter! Helter! You dense, straight-laced swordsman who only knows how to train and drink! How could you bring yourself to attack such an adorable girl?! Where’s your chivalry, your gentlemanly conduct, as a man and a warrior?!’

‘Though, admittedly, that adorable girl is currently me…’

“No, not at all. You’re incredibly strong, heheh…” I chuckled awkwardly alongside him, all the while subtly retreating, hoping to seize an opportunity to slip away.

“I wouldn’t presume, Hero. I believe we should definitely spar again sometime.”

‘Spar… again?’

“No, no, I’m not one to engage in casual sparring with just anyone…”

“Please, you must agree. This encounter was sudden, and you were unprepared. My victory was nothing but a stroke of luck.”

‘Not a fluke at all! My defeat was practically preordained! I still can’t fully command this body, so how could I possibly hope to win…?’

Suddenly, Helter stepped closer and clapped me on the shoulder.

My body flinched. ‘If I were a cat, that single pat would have sent my fur bristling!’

“Gah?! You startled me! What was that for?”

“Our little spar just now seems to have gotten your new clothes dusty. Allow me to brush it off.”

‘Brush off dust… It felt more like a blow that would dislocate my shoulder than a gentle pat…’

“Is there… anything else?”

“Well, about anything else… Oh! That’s right! How about I take you to a good place? It would also serve to make amends for the trouble I just caused you.”

“A good place…”

‘I’ve been stuck in this rundown village for ten years; what “good place” could possibly exist? Helter, you’re undoubtedly planning to drag me to the tavern, aren’t you…’

“I think I’ll pass on…”

Before I could even complete my sentence, Helter abruptly seized me by the back of my collar.

“Come on! Let’s go! We’re just heading to the tavern for a few drinks!”

‘See? I knew it! It was always going to be the tavern.’

Having declared his intent, Helter simply hoisted me up with one hand, as if I were a mere kitten, and began striding away.

My current height is roughly 1.5 meters, while Helter stands at a towering 2.2 meters. My feet dangling helplessly above the ground, I was seized by sheer panic!

“Whoa! Slow down, Helter! What in the world are you doing?!”

“Fearing your refusal, I simply had no other option.”

‘Helter, you utter blockhead! This forceful method of “escorting” someone will never win over a girl! Don’t you understand that?!’

“He’s so handsome!” “The dashing, if down-on-his-luck, great swordsman!” No sooner had I thought this than some young girls by the roadside began exclaiming in inexplicable awe. ‘Awe, my foot! Brainless fangirls!’

“Hello there!” Helter chuckled heartily, waving a greeting in their direction.

The fangirls instantly erupted into a frenzy! Their screams and cheers were utterly exaggerated!

‘So what if he’s strong? So what if he’s handsome? So what if he’s tall? So what if he has a good temper? Does he think he’s perfect?! He might look perfect, but the immutable truth is that he’s a penniless pauper, you hear me?!’

‘Don’t misunderstand! I’m absolutely not saying this out of jealousy for the swordsman!’

“Hero, are you perhaps uncomfortable in this position?”

“It’s very uncomfortable…”

‘It should have been obvious at a single glance that I was uncomfortable! I’m not some pet to be simply picked up and carried off like this!’

‘Moreover, being carried like this, it’s easy to… well, have an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction. I pressed my hands tightly against the hem of my skirt, terrified that Helter might suddenly accelerate, creating a gust of wind that would expose everything…’

‘Make no mistake! I wasn’t doing this out of personal shame, but purely to uphold Hero Emily’s image! As a Hero, what kind of decorum would it be to have one’s undergarments exposed for all to see?!’

“Oh, I understand.”

Helter adopted an expression of sudden enlightenment, then with a swift whoosh, he hoisted me onto his shoulder, facing forward with my backside presented to the world…

“This is much more comfortable, right?” he asked me.

‘Comfortable? Yes, it was certainly more comfortable…’

‘I wanted to scream… this position exposes everything! Carried butt-first! How could he possibly think this was a good idea?! What an absolute idiot! The worst part was that in this pose, my hands were completely pinned, leaving me utterly unable to prevent the exposure of my “absolute territory”! What even is “absolute territory,” anyway? Why do I keep spouting these bizarre terms?!’

“Lord Helter!” “That posture isn’t quite right…” “A little discretion, please…”

The surrounding townsfolk stared wide-eyed, continuously trying to subtly hint at the oblivious great swordsman.

“Hm?” Helter looked utterly bewildered, clearly having no idea what was amiss.

“Ex… ex… ex… posed…” With great difficulty, I managed to whisper the words into his ear.

Helter once again adopted that look of sudden comprehension, slapped his forehead, and then bellowed, “Hero Emily requests that you all clear out! The ‘clear out completely’ kind!”

A profound silence descended upon the entire area. Then, shops that needed closing were shut, and those who needed to leave departed. In the end, not a single soul remained! The speed was astonishing, easily rivaling that of a disciplined army!

‘Exposed! I meant my exposure, not for everyone else to clear out!’

‘I desperately wanted to crack open that man’s skull and see what bizarre wiring lay within!’

‘Helter! You’re utterly brain-dead!’ ‘(Aren’t you yourself…?)’

“I said I… was exposed… do you understand me?”

“Hm? Let them clear out, you mean? Yes, I understand.”

“No! I meant, my… skirt, my undergarments were exposed!”

“Oh…” Helter stared blankly at me. “And then what?”

“Then can you put me down?!”

“Of course, but Hero, you must accompany me for a drink.”

“Fine! I agree to your terms!”

Only upon hearing my agreement did Helter finally, and with a beaming smile, set me gently back on the ground.

“Why is your face so red?” Helter asked me.

“What do you think!”

“It was just white underwear, wasn’t it?” Helter scratched his head. “Besides, weren’t you completely naked on the street earlier?”

“At that time, I had Key’s Holy Light!” I retorted.

“Oh…” He replied, still utterly blank. “And then what?”

“But now there isn’t any! Key has returned to my body, so I have no way to conceal those… private parts!”

“Oh…” Helter nodded slowly. “And then what?”

“Then?! Then the way you just carried me was completely inappropriate! Do you understand me?!”

“Oh, I see…” There it was again, his signature blank stare! “And then what?”

‘There’s a saying: ‘The essence of humanity is a repeating machine!’ Hold on! Who said that again? I’ve forgotten, and what exactly is a repeating machine?’

“And then what, Hero? Speak up.”

‘Oh, for f*ck’s sake! I choose death!’

“Fine! Let’s go drink!” This guy was truly driving me to my wit’s end!

“Excellent, Hero! To the drinks! To the drinks! The ale here in Newbie Village may be rustic, but it’s genuinely delicious! One sip goes straight to your head, and the more you drink, the more invigorated you feel!”

‘This guy… his entire brain seems to activate the moment alcohol is mentioned… Sigh… Perhaps I should pretend not to know him, this “friend” of mine!’