The Survivalist’s Guide to Not Bathing

I’d spent the whole lesson in the Knight Course sweating buckets, and now she wanted to wash up. I’d relied too much on my pretty face and failed to consider the practicalities. Getting washed after a hard training session was common sense. I shouldn’t have worked so hard; I should have put in moderate effort and then faked a collapse.

“Uh, I… I’ll…”

“Hmm? What is it?”

“I’ll wash later.”

“What? You were training in armor; you must be soaked. Won’t you start to smell inside there?”

“I only sweat from my face.”

“Really?”

“Yes. My body didn’t sweat at all.”

Ah, maybe I shouldn’t have told such a blatant lie. Lady Le Havre stepped closer, felt the waist of my tunic where it was exposed, and then flicked her hand as if shaking off moisture.

“So… am I going to have to be the judge of your sweat personally?”

“That… that moisture is…”

“If it’s not sweat, what is it? Piss? Just take it off.”

“It is definitely not that!”

“Hmm… Look, I get that you’re a freshman and sharing a bath might be awkward, but the facilities here are great and nobody else is using them. It’s fine.”

“Can’t I just wash later? Back at the dormitory?”

“…Nobles have standards. We can’t walk around smelling like people who got caught in the rain and rolled through a manure field. Do you think the maids will be happy if you walk into the dorm smelling like that?”

“I have perfume.”

“Perfume is banned for first-years.”

The settings of this world are truly bizarre. The plumbing is surprisingly advanced, yet the commoners rarely wash, and for some reason, perfume culture is incredibly developed. Shouldn’t that kind of thing only evolve when the environmental background demands it?

“Hmm, suspicious. Don’t you know that bathing is both a duty and a right for a noble? The right to polish one’s appearance and use the best water first?”

At least she hasn’t asked if I’m a man like that other one. But if I keep stalling, I won’t have an excuse when that accusation finally comes.

“It’s also because my family comes from a mountain tribe background.”

“And?”

“Mountain tribes have many taboos regarding water. Since water is scarce in the high plateaus, our laws are strict. There are even rules like ‘He who urines in the water shall be put to death.’”

Since I was already thinking about noble education and humanities, the lies started flowing naturally.

“Oh, really?”

My “family” is indeed of mountain descent, but I’ve never heard of such a thing. Thank you, Brother Genghis Khan. I remember your words.

“So there are taboos regarding bathing as well. If multiple people use the same water—well, specifically, if many people soak together—that much water overflows and is wasted. That is the taboo.”

Why is Archimedes’ “Eureka” flashing through my mind right now?

“Furthermore, because mountain tribes live in cold high-altitude or glacial regions, many have an ethnic trait where their sweat glands are underdeveloped. Sweating causes a loss of body temperature in the harsh mountain cold, leading to illness.”

This time, I fought back with Brother Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. The knowledge from my past life gives me strength—and a great cover story.

“Therefore, there is a proverb: ‘Only bathe when the sun passes that peak,’ because that is when the glaciers melt and water is abundant. Since many of our people follow these traditions, we, as lords, cannot be seen wasting water so recklessly.”

I fabricated a whole history using every bit of science and humanities I knew. I absolutely cannot take these clothes off. Rene de Le Havre narrowed her eyes into crescent moons.

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yes, it is.”

“I just asked you to wash, and you’re giving me a whole lecture? Are you writing a thesis on ‘Mountain Tribes and Bathing Culture’?”

“If you insist, I will go in after you are finished. Wasting water is an act I simply cannot allow myself to commit.”

“Hmm, what’s this? Are you just that embarrassed to show your chest? Just say you’re shy.”

“That may be part of it, but it is primarily a socio-cultural taboo.”

“Suspicious. I’m starting to think there’s a reason you can’t show me…”

I cut her off. I cannot let these laces be undone. Fortunately, a perfect reason came to mind—one that would resonate with her.

“I believe you also need to get used to this, Senior.”

“Huh?”

“If you were to set out as a battlefield commander or a knight, could you really demand your soldiers bring you bathwater?”

“Hmm? Ah… well… I suppose not. Water is hard enough to find for drinking; carrying washing water is impossible unless you always have a water mage in the camp.”

“You’ve commanded before, so you know. Bathing on the battlefield is an ultimate luxury.”

“I usually traveled with the Princess, and we always had water mages, so it wasn’t an issue for me, but I’ve seen cases like that. It was incredibly uncomfortable.”

“One might encourage bathing for hygiene, but for night raids or ambushes, don’t you sometimes have to stay hidden in the mud for days?”

“I suppose for group discipline it’s necessary, but on the battlefield, you need to match the living standards of the soldiers and front-line knights to some extent. Who likes a commander who indulges in luxury? Especially a noblewoman, who people already suspect is just being fussy.”

“For that reason, it wouldn’t be bad to practice the habit of enduring discomfort beforehand.”

Lady Le Havre nodded, conceding that I had a point, and then gestured for me to come closer.

“Fine, I get it. Ugh. Come here.”

“Yes. Ow! Why? Why?”

She suddenly gave me a playful smack. I saw the trajectory, but I didn’t dodge. It didn’t hurt much, but I faked the pain anyway.

“I said I got it, so just take the hit.”

****************************************

Fortunately, after that one smack, Lady Le Havre didn’t push the bathing issue any further.

“I have a question.”

“Oh, sure. Ask away.”

To be honest, I have nothing to learn from Lady Le Havre. The Knight Course is just for show; nobles can learn swordsmanship, weaponry, and dressage from their own household knights. The Academy’s version is bound to be amateurish. The structure is destined to stay empty regardless of whether the ladies want to be there or not. If a student can kick out a professor, it might mean the girl who went through a war is exceptional, but it also means the professor’s level is bottom-tier.

“Where is the Great Archive located?”

“The Great Archive? Do you like books?”

“I cannot neglect my studies.”

“Impressive. Most girls just learn enough magic to not be looked down upon and focus on marriage. It’s over there. Go check it out.”

“Ah, am I allowed to go?”

“Freshmen don’t have access, but if you ask for a pass, they’ll give you one. If not, take my ID. Just borrow books under my name.”

The reason I’m curious about the Great Archive is that my sisters died nearby. I don’t know the exact spot, but I gathered it was “near the Archive” from the information I read in the pupils of the dying and the testimonies of Sky Castle insiders. I need to find the location to investigate properly.

I’ve heard that the Great Archive contains forbidden Holy See texts on “Secret Arts of Dimensional Travel,” “Research on Those Born with Memories of Higher Worlds,” and “Technologies of the Higher World.” While that piques my interest, it’s not my priority right now. I headed toward the Archive.

“Oh, first time seeing you. Who are you?”

“Ah, I am Ariang Aosta, a first-year in the Imperial class.”

“Are you on your way to the Great Archive?”

“That is correct.”

“Ah, you don’t need to be so formal. I’m just a librarian.”

It was a librarian guarding the path to the Archive. He seemed to be a commoner. Usually, that’s the case.

“Ah, I see.”

“The Imperial class ladies are all so stiff. You don’t have to be so nervous.”

“I’m just a new student.”

“I’m sorry to say, but the Great Archive started renovations last year. It probably won’t reopen until summer.”

Rene de Le Havre, you haven’t set foot in the Archive for at least a year, have you? By the way, they use the word “renovation” here too? I’m trying to stay immersed, but modern terminology keeps breaking the fourth wall.

Anyway, my entry to the Archive was blocked. I couldn’t force my way in and start rumors. Since the Archive was a bust, and I finally had some time alone, I scouted the interior of Sky Castle. Since classes were in session, the grounds were mostly empty. With Rene’s permission, I began my reconnaissance. I’m planning a murder, so I need a place where it’s easy to clean up bloodstains.

If someone started a bombardment from here, there would be no defense.

Sky Castle was a much larger educational city than it appeared from the ground. The castle below was merely a supply base. The floating landmass held a main castle, an outer castle, and an inner castle. Three fortresses on the main island alone. There were also fortresses on other floating islands connected by sky bridges.

This isn’t a job for aerial knights.

If this “undercover enrollment” fails, I’ll have no choice but to go to total war with Sky Castle. I’d need to raise at least 500 aerial knights and a dozen magical talents to design magical defenses. The cost of raising Wyverns and Griffins is hundreds of times that of a horse, and an aerial knight is a specialist who needs ten years of training. Thinking about the maintenance for 500 aerial knights, I’d need to be a King—and not just any King, but one with a fully centralized government. I’d have to become King, achieve strong centralization to crush the middle-tier lords, collect taxes properly, and spend ten years raising an aerial knight order…

Screw it, I’ll just keep wearing the dress.

Unless I seize control from the inside, there is no way. It is likely because it’s so impregnable that all the world’s books were brought here to avoid destruction, forming the basis of this educational institution.

<The Two Kingdom Class>

As I walked, I arrived at the classrooms for my home country and its allies. I wanted to check inside, but as a first-year in the Imperial class, that would be difficult. I passed by with a smirk.

The “Blood-Soaked Count” of the Kingdom was painted as a symbol of the class. Similarly, I almost laughed when I first saw the paintings in the Imperial and Allied classes. Princess Celisty of the Empire was depicted as a goddess, majestically punishing a demon in blood-red armor with a long tongue and half a face turned red. The demon, clad in dark red armor with its mask partially broken to reveal a red face, looked to be in great pain with a single tear in its eye.

The demon in the “Princess’s Exorcism” painting and the Blood-Soaked Count of the Kingdom…

They are all me.

No one touched the Princess’s mural, but the painting of me was covered in graffiti. Among the scribbles was one with an arrow pointing to my groin. It read:

[Eunuch]

Eunuch? What the hell. Below it, more text was added:

—Damaging or mocking the painting is fine, but do not paint over the image itself.

—If you damage the Princess’s part, you die (Seriously, it’s Lèse-majesté).

The kind of post-it note pranks kids do in classrooms are implemented here too. I knew the Empire hated me. It makes sense to vilify the person who turned their invasion into a defensive war for them. If the Kingdom has a “demon,” the politician who started an invasion only to lose territory looks a bit less incompetent. But mocking me for “not being a man” just because I didn’t commit the war crimes that usually happen in war is a bit much. I met a few lords who offered me their daughters; maybe I should have listened to them. That’s probably where the rumors started.

Next, I arrived near the fortress of the Sky Castle Guardian Knights, which was separated from the classrooms.

—Those who contact the Noble Ladies shall be severely punished.

The warning was directed at the knights, telling them not to approach the ladies. While the school rules “advise” students not to contact the knights, the warning for the knights was a straight-up threat. After checking my surroundings, I opened my inventory.

Immediately, a full suit of armor was equipped onto me. I have a few skills that seem like “reincarnator perks,” and the inventory was one of the reasons I could become a hero during the war. I could lead an army that didn’t need a supply train. Furthermore, items in the inventory never spoil. I served fresh meat from cattle hunted in the eastern continent throughout the three-year war, from beginning to end. I stored glacial blocks to provide clean drinking water without needing a water source. Another advantage is not needing to meticulously put on armor or carry weapons. Just by remembering the item in my inventory and imagining myself wearing or holding it, the weapon appears in my hand and the armor on my body. It’s like a transformation.

Wearing the armor of the Sky Castle Guardian Knights, I entered the headquarters without any trouble.

“Who are you?”

A young knight, sitting in a chair and looking through documents with a frown, snapped at me. I just played it cool and acted like I belonged.

“It’s me.”

I lifted my visor slightly, and the young knight bowed his head in a greeting.