The ‘Again’ That Only We Could Know

[Why… like this… again…]

When I was hit by the vehicle and fading from consciousness, Beomwoo had rushed over, held me, and cried out as if he had lost someone precious in a similar way before.

Even through the haze of excruciating pain, his anguish came through clearly, and with ears muffled and hearing failing, I heard him say “again.”

Although I thought I knew Beomwoo well from my past life, I had recently come to realize I didn’t know everything about his entire life.

Even though we were married for a long time in my past life, I had heard more stories about his past in this life that I hadn’t known before.

And even if I had heard them, he hadn’t told me everything from A to Z, so there was no way to know what he had seen or how he had grown up.

So, it was possible he had experienced a similar situation before.

It would be normal to interpret what Beomwoo said after the accident in that context.

Haejin tried to think that way too, but it was difficult.

The more he thought about it, an inexplicable sense of déjà vu enveloped him.

He couldn’t stop fixating on the fact that, of all things, the cause of his death in his past life had been a car accident.

The many moments he had found strange while being with Beomwoo suddenly seemed different.

Haejin had thought that because he behaved differently from his past life, Beomwoo had also changed, along with his attitude and feelings toward him.

He had been suspicious and found it strange that Beomwoo, who once seemed to have no interest in him and wouldn’t bleed if pricked, had become so devoted and kind.

But he concluded it was because he had changed, which altered the future.

That’s how he came to believe in Beomwoo’s feelings.

But now, with this happening, he began to think it might not be simply because he had changed.

Perhaps the reason Beomwoo changed was…

“Mr. Haejin, are you awake?”

While Haejin was lost in thought, the hospital room door creaked open, and Beomwoo returned.

Having successfully changed the topic when he left and returned, Beomwoo stood right by his side, water in hand, and asked.

Upon hearing the question, instead of answering, Haejin stared intently up at Beomwoo, who was looking down at him affectionately.

After regaining consciousness, he had been too dazed to even take a proper sip of water, so his throat was parched.

But more than that, a single speculation that had just surfaced kept swirling in his head.

At first, it was just a question and a sense of déjà vu.

But as he looked at Beomwoo gazing at him with such tender eyes, his suspicion grew like a snowball.

“Mr. Haejin?”

“……”

“Why aren’t you saying anything… Could it be you can’t speak? Does your throat hurt? They said your throat was fine… Let me get the doctor to check again.”

As Haejin remained silent, simply making eye contact, Beomwoo’s expression hardened as he examined Haejin’s condition.

He seemed to think Haejin wasn’t speaking because he couldn’t, even though he was conscious and not asleep, and his expression grew serious.

Haejin watched Beomwoo checking on him for a moment.

Sensing that if he waited any longer, Beomwoo would summon a doctor immediately, he quickly organized his thoughts and spoke.

“Beomwoo.”

“Yes. What is it?”

As soon as Haejin opened his mouth, Beomwoo leaned closer to the bed, responding actively.

It seemed he was relieved to realize Haejin hadn’t been answering because he couldn’t speak, not because he wouldn’t.

His expression, which had been stiff as stone, softened instantly at Haejin’s first words.

Yet, he looked at Haejin directly, as if ready to listen to whatever he had to say.

Seeing Beomwoo look at him with such eyes was why Haejin had trusted his feelings and opened his heart.

But now, looking into these same eyes only deepened his suspicion.

“By any chance… is there something you’re hiding from me?”

Haejin looked up at Beomwoo seriously and asked.

Now that suspicion had taken root, he couldn’t just let it go.

He had to confirm it clearly with him.

When Haejin asked, making serious eye contact, a look of bewilderment crossed Beomwoo’s face as he looked down at him.

It was only natural he was taken aback.

Just a moment ago, he was worriedly asking if Haejin was thirsty or if his voice was gone, and now Haejin had come out with something completely out of the blue instead of an answer.

But perhaps because suspicion was piling upon suspicion, even his momentary bewilderment seemed suspicious.

Beomwoo’s face showed a flicker of agitation at Haejin’s words, but he quickly composed his expression as if nothing had happened and answered.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. What could I possibly be hiding from you?”

“……”

“Surely… you’re not regretting agreeing to be with me? I know I’m still lacking, but can’t you give me more time?”

Beomwoo answered as if to ask what reason he would have to hide anything.

But when Haejin just kept staring at him, he frowned as if suspecting Haejin was doubting his feelings and pleaded, asking for another chance.

His feelings… Seeing how he treated Haejin made it impossible not to believe him.

But if what Haejin was thinking was true.

If so… he only grew more curious about Beomwoo’s reasons.

Haejin looked at Beomwoo, who was waiting for an answer with anxious eyes, and cautiously opened his mouth.

“I… when I was hit by the motorcycle, you know. As I was fading, I heard what you said while holding me.”

“……”

“I think you said ‘again’ back then… What did that mean? Has something like this happened before?”

Haejin told him he had heard those words before losing consciousness and asked Beomwoo for their meaning.

Truthfully, he wanted to ask directly: ‘Were you a regressor too? Is that why you were so good to me?’

But regression wasn’t a common thing, and if he asked outright if Beomwoo was one too, he might be treated as insane.

Suppressing the impulse, he asked and watched him.

At the question, one of Beomwoo’s eyebrows twitched slightly, and he answered with a stiffer face than usual.

“I don’t know what you want to hear from me, asking that.”

“……”

“I don’t know why not saying something counts as hiding it… But I’ve lost someone precious in an accident before. That’s why I said that. Does that answer your question?”

Beomwoo responded, acting as if he didn’t understand why Haejin thought he was hiding anything, yet honestly admitting it was because of a similar experience.

His demeanor was so calm it was hard to believe he was the same person who had held Haejin, bleeding and losing consciousness, trembling and crying that day.

Haejin had thought earlier that there could be parts of Beomwoo’s past he didn’t know.

Beomwoo was originally not one to share much about himself, and he was definitely not the type to talk about tragic accidents or other bad experiences.

So it was possible there had been an accident Haejin didn’t know about.

But perhaps because of an inexplicable conviction, Beomwoo’s words didn’t ring entirely true.

Couldn’t the accident Haejin was involved in also fit that description?

Of course, in his past life, he likely wasn’t someone precious to Beomwoo… though they were married.

Haejin had thought that saying this might make him seem crazy, so he had planned to probe and find out indirectly if possible… but the more they talked, the more convinced he became, concluding there was no need to beat around the bush.

Though he was asking on impulse, his mind had grown excessively cold.

Feeling his heart settle, Haejin spoke in a grave voice.

“I… didn’t believe you liked me. I thought you had some other purpose. But at some point, I started to believe in those feelings. I thought… just as I began to see you in a better light over time, mutual affection had grown between us.”

Haejin spoke, recalling each of Beomwoo’s actions toward him from the first day they met until now.

Setting aside the past life, even thinking about it now, Beomwoo in this life had been an immensely kind person to him.

Impossibly kind, to the point it felt unbelievable.

While showing him inexplicable kindness, Beomwoo had acted as if he worried Haejin might feel burdened, thinking it was because of the inheritance, and tried to ease his worries by saying he wasn’t expecting anything.

Gazing vacantly into space, recalling those scenes, Haejin met his eyes again and spoke.

“But after this accident… I’m starting to think that might not be the reason.”

“……”

“Beomwoo.”

“……Yes.”

It was just one word, but Beomwoo answered heavily.

At his low, subdued voice, Haejin also grew more serious and asked directly, without any circumlocution.

“That precious person you just said you lost… Was it me?”

“……”

At Haejin’s question, Beomwoo’s stiffened face first flushed with shock, then turned grave.

Normally, upon hearing such a question, he should have looked at Haejin as if he were strange.

Or immediately denied it.

But Beomwoo didn’t.

He didn’t look bewildered by the question.

He just wore a stiff expression, unable to give any answer.

He didn’t need to hear the answer to know.

Beomwoo’s current state was answer enough.

Ah, so that’s it…

That’s why he changed.

That’s why I felt that sense of déjà vu.

You were the same as me… a regressor.