If You Ever Loved Me, Don’t Beg Like This

Haejin knew Beomwoo was inherently stoic, so he could understand him being poor at expression and even appearing unresponsive.

But no matter what, you couldn’t be like that to someone you loved.

How could you not spare a single glance for the person you loved?

How could you immediately start looking for another Omega the moment I was diagnosed as infertile?

It was so ridiculous that bitter laughter bubbled up, and Haejin couldn’t control his contorted expression.

He seemed to be laughing, or maybe angry, or perhaps crying.

With a face so distorted it was unrecognizable, he muttered softly.

“Beomwoo… liked me?”

“I know it must be hard for you to believe me, Haejin. But it’s the truth.”

When Haejin muttered, Beomwoo spoke as if Haejin’s reaction was understandable, yet earnestly tried to convey his sincerity.

But Haejin’s face, which had been twisted with unidentifiable emotion, quickly hardened coldly.

Soon after, Haejin raised his head and glared at Beomwoo with fiery eyes.

“You’re a good actor, but you lack sincerity in your lies.”

“……Lies? It’s not a lie!”

When Haejin spoke coldly, Beomwoo made an expression as if he were the more wounded one, asking how Haejin could think that.

But more than being hurt by having his sincerity disparaged, he seemed desperate to persuade Haejin, clinging to him not with resentment but with pleas to believe him.

Frankly, Haejin wanted to grab anything within reach and throw it, sight unseen.

He wanted to scream and ask if Beomwoo knew how his cold attitude had shredded his heart, making him want to give up on life.

But unfortunately, he was in no condition to control his body and lacked the energy to get angry or shout.

Until now, even after being hit-and-run and unconscious for three days, he had endured by thinking positively.

But now, his willpower had collapsed along with his battered body.

He had no strength left to endure.

His heart was pounding madly, his trembling body ached in every injured spot, but more than any physical pain, his heart hurt the most.

He didn’t want to continue this conversation.

The sense of betrayal was immense, and he felt he would hate him for the rest of his life.

But if he tried to think as positively as possible, he could consider it fortunate he realized before being deceived any further.

Ending a flawed relationship was the right thing to do.

Especially if, like last time, he was the only one in love.

His feelings had already grown deep, but he had to stop before it became even harder to give up.

He had trusted him and their relationship had progressed, but they weren’t married yet.

“I understand that you regret not treating me well in our past life. I get that you want to be different from then.”

“Haejin.”

“But I’ve realized now that what you’re giving me is too different from what I want.”

“Wait…”

“Since you regret it too, I’ll understand and let it go. So, let’s end it here—”

“Will you just listen to me!”

As Haejin tried to wrap things up, Beomwoo abruptly raised his voice before he could finish.

The sound was so loud it seemed to vibrate through his body.

Haejin stopped speaking and flinched.

The hospital was already quiet, and Beomwoo wasn’t the type to raise his voice, so it was even more shocking.

It was the first time he had ever raised his voice like that in front of him.

When Haejin looked at Beomwoo with startled eyes, the latter finally seemed to realize his mistake, letting out a sigh and running a hand through his hair.

“I thought you wouldn’t listen if I didn’t do this… I’m sorry.”

“……Fine. Go ahead.”

He wanted to stop this meaningless conversation, but it seemed Beomwoo felt differently.

Haejin didn’t think hearing more explanations would change his mind now, but perhaps because of the tiny shred of lingering affection… He decided to at least hear Beomwoo’s final excuse.

When Haejin gave him the chance to speak, Beomwoo steadied his agitated breath for a moment, then opened his mouth calmly in his usual grave tone.

“I understand that you can’t trust me, Haejin. I know you feel resentful and betrayed. But… I have never deceived you.”

“……”

“I told you before that saying I felt attracted to you from our first meeting was a lie. When I said that… I was actually describing the feelings I had when I met you again in this life. At that time, I didn’t know you had regressed too.”

It wasn’t entirely accurate to say he’d never deceived him, since he had told a lie once.

But as soon as Haejin thought that, Beomwoo continued as if reading his mind.

While he had confessed it was a lie back then, he meant that even that statement wasn’t a complete falsehood.

He seemed to want to emphasize his innocence that much.

But to Haejin now, every action Beomwoo had taken toward him in this life seemed nothing but false.

He believed falsehood wasn’t limited to words alone.

When Haejin showed no sign of being moved by his words, Beomwoo’s face grew even more anxious, and he continued urgently.

“My words about liking you, Haejin, are also true. So…”

“……”

“Just one more chance… Couldn’t you give me another chance?”

Beomwoo pleaded earnestly, grabbing Haejin’s hand where it lay helplessly on the bed.

Haejin wanted to shake him off, asking what he was doing, but he was too weak to move.

He wanted to at least tell him to let go, to ask how that would make him believe, but the warmth touching his hand made him swallow his words for a moment.

The hand holding his was trembling with an overwhelming anxiety.

Haejin couldn’t bring himself to believe Beomwoo’s words about loving him or the excuses that followed, but the sheer fear was palpable in the trembling hand that held his, in Beomwoo’s utterly anxious face.

The pity he must feel seeing the miserable death Haejin met in their past life.

And the lingering guilt that kept him hovering around… that seemed somewhat plausible.

This time, he had even faced a near-death experience in a similar traffic accident, so he might be reliving the terror he felt back then.

So Haejin wanted to just let it go, but the emotion seemed to surge toward him through their joined hands, sweeping away his resolve to coldly sever ties.

He knew what he wanted was something he could never receive from him, and he knew he had to end this wretched relationship now…

“I’m not asking for a long time. Just until you’re fully recovered. Give me a chance until then—no, even if you can’t forgive me, just let me stay by your side…”

“……”

Beomwoo pleaded that he wasn’t asking for much time, just to be allowed to nurse him.

His pleading voice held not only a desperate desire to hold onto Haejin but also clear concern.

Haejin thought Beomwoo was clinging to him out of pity or guilt, but he also couldn’t fully understand why Beomwoo was trembling so much and so desperately wanted to remain by his side.

It was Beomwoo who had left him to wither in loneliness without giving him a single piece of his heart.

But Haejin hadn’t taken his own life; he had died in an unexpected traffic accident.

It wasn’t because of him, so did he really need to feel such guilt?

He could understand it being a shocking event, enough to shake someone, to have someone you shared a house and even a bed with die overnight… But did it warrant feeling this guilty?

He couldn’t say Beomwoo did nothing wrong in their past life.

Knowing what an infertility diagnosis meant for an Omega, he couldn’t view Beomwoo’s actions toward him as acceptable.

But in a way, it was just a contractual marriage, and Haejin was the one who had greedily wanted love from such an arrangement.

So he couldn’t blame everything on him… Was the shock really that great?

He recalled hearing about something called post-traumatic stress disorder, an illness that could occur after experiencing a traumatic event.

He wasn’t a doctor and had no medical knowledge, so he couldn’t be sure, but even if Beomwoo hadn’t loved him in their past life, the shock of his spouse dying overnight could have been immense.

If he was suffering from such aftereffects, it made sense that he would tremble with such fear at the prospect of losing Haejin again in a similar situation.

“Even if you don’t give me a chance… I’ll still support your hospital care. If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll hire a caregiver…”

“……”

“I won’t ask anything of you, Haejin… Just let me stay by your side…”

As Haejin, his mind in turmoil, simply watched him, Beomwoo seemed to grow even more anxious at his silence and kept adding more.

Seeing him like that, Haejin felt more convinced of his earlier thought—‘Could it be PTSD?’

If his obsession stemmed from a mental illness… then shouldn’t he receive treatment?

The betrayal and resentment from being deceived still remained, but watching Beomwoo in such extreme anxiety kept softening Haejin’s heart.

Not because he liked him, but out of sympathy for someone in pain.

And perhaps… out of lingering affection, however faint.

The thought that this man, who once seemed like he wouldn’t bleed if pricked, was now trembling so violently from PTSD after experiencing Haejin’s death made it impossible not to feel a pang of pity.

Haejin watched Beomwoo for a moment, then spoke quietly.

“……Alright.”

“Really?!”

Beomwoo, who had been clinging to him but likely didn’t expect an agreement, jerked his head up in surprise at Haejin’s answer.

Seeing his worried face instantly brighten sent a wave of pressure over Haejin, but he hastily added that this wasn’t an acceptance in the way Beomwoo thought.

“I’m not saying I believe you! None of your explanations make sense to me, and I still resent you. But… even if I cut ties now, I’d still be relying on your help this time too.”

“If that’s the reason, you know you don’t need to feel burdened by what I do for you.”

“I know you’d say that.”

“Then…”

Beomwoo’s face had lit up with hope at Haejin’s consent, but upon hearing it was due to a sense of obligation, he seemed to say it was okay even if that was the reason.

He wanted Haejin to accept him from the heart, not out of helpless obligation.

But Haejin hadn’t agreed to let him stay solely out of burden for receiving help.

Haejin felt he had ample reason to push him away and still didn’t believe Beomwoo’s words about liking him.

However, in Haejin’s eyes, Beomwoo was now a patient suffering mental anguish, and it was true he was relying on him for hospital support.

Even if he cut ties with Beomwoo now, while Beomwoo said he would ensure Haejin received treatment, the fact remained that Haejin would have to rely on his help.

Trying to sever ties here wouldn’t be a clean break, so it felt meaningless.

And above all… there was something he wanted to say to him.

“There’s something I want to ask of you too, Beomwoo.”

“Ask…? What is it? Just say it, and I’ll do anything.”

Beomwoo showed a hint of surprise at the word ‘ask,’ but waited for Haejin’s answer with an eagerness that suggested he would pluck the stars from the sky.

He shouldn’t look so happy about this… Haejin thought for a moment, then opened his mouth more cautiously than ever.

“I want you… to get treatment too.”

“……Huh? What treatment? I’m not injured anywhere.”

“No, not that kind of physical treatment… A mental one…”

“……”

When Haejin cautiously suggested treatment, the expression on Beomwoo’s face, which had been actively listening, hardened.