Seven Times I Pulled the Trigger

My memories returned in an incomplete form.

Fragmented pieces lodged themselves in my mind like shards of broken glass, dizzying and sharp.

To endure the vertigo, I began focusing on each fragment one by one.

‘Someone died again.’

Most of my old memories were like that.

When I was young… I could see more than others.

To anyone else, it must have looked like I was simply sitting still, staring into empty space.

But that wasn’t the truth.

In my sight, there were always people dying.

I watched them blankly as they were killed by rifts and monsters.

‘Another one died….’

“Doya, let’s go inside.”

“Okay.”

At Jaeyul’s voice, I rose from the bench.

The boy, whose hands were slightly larger than others his age, clasped mine as if it were natural and walked beside me.

Whenever I touched him, the visions before my eyes faded for a moment.

Just like when I ate the candy my father used to make.

I wiggled my fingers in his grasp, then squeezed back.

For a brief instant, the world seemed peaceful.

But that peace only lasted while we were touching.

The moment our hands parted, the dying faces returned vividly.

This was the monster’s perspective.

I could look down upon the inside of a rift as though from the sky.

I could even steal the vision of the monsters within it.

‘Don’t.’

‘You can’t kill them.’

Sometimes, as if obeying me, the monsters would halt.

But only briefly.

After giving such commands, I would fall ill for days.

After collapsing like that several times, I became certain of one thing.

‘I can control the monsters.’

The power was faint.

And whenever I used it, I would be bedridden as if my life force had been shaved away.

Yet every time I fell sick, the number of new rifts decreased.

The monsters weakened.

I didn’t know how we were connected, but I was undeniably tied to the rifts.

<Go Doya, there’s something you must do.>

The moment I realized that, I understood what my mother had meant.

<Until you can contain everything within yourself, you must never die.>

She wanted me to choose death myself.

After gaining the strength to embrace all the rifts.

<One day, you’ll naturally wish for it. That’s what you were born for.>

My guardian whispered gently.

As if that weren’t enough, she named me ‘Go Doya’ to imprint the mission deep into my consciousness.

The name of a savior from a certain play.

A hero who sacrifices his life to save others.

‘Will it really?’

I would blink quietly at her gleaming eyes.

I had nothing to say.

And I didn’t want to say anything.

Their attitude never gave me a reason to die for the world.

‘Why should I die to save it?’

I always thought that.

They realized it the year I turned nine.

And that was the year they let me go.

The year my guardians disappeared within a rift.

So that I would learn beauty.

Learn goodwill.

So that I would eventually believe the world was worth more than myself.

So that I would give my heart to others.

<Doya.>

Their attempt nearly succeeded within a few years.

Because I began to like Hyeon Jaeyul.

The careful way he held my hand.

The stiffness in his body when I leaned against him.

The kindness in his dark eyes.

His attitude carried nothing but goodwill.

A warmth I had never felt from my guardians.

I learned gentleness.

But something was missing.

They had said I would “naturally” come to desire sacrifice.

So I decided to erase something that made up part of me.

If I held onto that emotion, it would interfere with natural sacrifice.

So what I erased was…

‘…What was it?’

It seemed I had erased it completely.

I couldn’t remember what I had removed.

Was that why I lost the ability to peer into rifts and monsters?

I no longer saw people dying.

Instead, I began to hear them screaming.

My hearing became abnormal.

As if I could hear every sound in the world.

It was always loud.

Amid that cacophony, the sound of Hyeon Jaeyul’s heartbeat kept me sane.

And then, the winter I turned fifteen.

<You’re Go Doya? The memory-type mental ability user, right?>

I met Jeong Iheon.

My death truly had meaning.

More than once.

– Apocalypse Simulation, Round 1

: Success (1 death within simulation)

The building collapsed while I was with Jeong Iheon.

My leg was pinned beneath the rubble.

I couldn’t move.

Jeong Iheon was unharmed.

But I knew that even if we escaped, I would only be a burden.

In that first simulation, I searched my body for the gun I always carried.

It wasn’t there.

Turning my head, I spotted it just within reach.

Noticing where I was looking, Jeong Iheon shouted from beyond the debris.

<Don’t touch that!>

He looked so young.

His face twisted in terror.

I knew there was a way for him to escape.

But not if I was with him.

Only one person could survive that way.

<Doya, calm down. Just wait. I’ll get you out—>

‘Your death will have meaning.’

My mother’s words echoed.

My death had meaning.

My fingers closed around the gun.

I pulled the trigger without hesitation.

The gunshot rang in my ears.

And instead of dying, I woke up.

The Association staff overseeing me immediately began questioning me.

“Student Doya, did you die within the simulation?”

“Yes.”

“The simulation hasn’t concluded yet. How was the progress?”

Only after waking did I remember that everything we did inside was part of preventing the apocalypse.

The building Jeong Iheon and I had been in was that world’s final hope.

“It was almost complete. It’ll finish soon.”

After waking first, I stayed beside Jeong Iheon until he did.

That’s why I was the first to see his blue eyes open at dawn.

“You’re awake?”

It was such an ordinary question.

Yet he cried for so long.

He held me in his arms until morning, never loosening his grip.

Not long after he woke, everyone who had participated in the first simulation regained consciousness.

“The first simulation has concluded successfully.”

“The key figures this round were Go Doya and Jeong Iheon. Good work.”

“You’ll both participate in the second simulation.”

After a short break, the second apocalypse simulation began.

“What if we applied a game system?”

“A game system?”

“Visually manifest the objective leading to the apocalypse as a ‘system.’ Of course, the participants must never realize that the goal is the end of the world.”

“A game system… That sounds promising. But I’ve never played a game.”

“You’ve never played one? Really?”

“Yes.”

“Then applying it immediately might be difficult. I’ll set up a game room during this simulation. What games are popular with girls these days….”

“It doesn’t matter. I just need to see how the system manifests.”

“Oh, but games should be fun. Ah, you’re almost an adult, right?”

“Does that matter?”

“Of course! Most good games these days are adult-rated….”

I should have asked them to exclude R-rated games back then.

Starting from the fifth simulation, I began using the game system.

And after that—

‘The system naturally guided me toward sacrificing myself.’

It had been designed to move in the most rational direction to prevent the apocalypse.

‘And since it moved rationally, the speed at which I died increased.’

As the memories poured back, I retraced my actions within the simulations.

Remembering didn’t mean I knew everything.

Some memories were still gone.

Some things my past self had never known remained unknown.

But among countless fragments, one stood out clearly.

Memories of Jeong Iheon.

‘The most rational solution was always my death. And Jeong Iheon always opposed it.’

There had been times he tried to stop me after realizing I had set the system under the assumption of my own death.

Yet every simulation ended in success.

Which meant one thing.

He had never succeeded in stopping me.

‘Now I understand why he was so certain I would die.’

Because the one killing me was myself.

No matter how he tried to block me, it was nearly impossible to stop someone determined to die.

Back then, I could use my ability freely.