The Meaning I Never Believed In

After watching me walk toward death over and over again, Jeong Iheon made a request once the seventh simulation ended.

<Next round, let me intervene in your system.>

<Why?>

<I want to see how it guides you.>

<Is that necessary?>

<Yes. It is.>

<I don’t mind you observing it… but if you just want to see how it works, you don’t need to interfere.>

I remember the firm smile on his face when he blocked my attempt to refuse.

<Is there a reason to say no?>

<Not really.>

<Then don’t.>

Even back then, when he was always gentle, there had been that rare, unwavering firmness.

“Doya.”

Jeong Iheon’s voice reached me as I struggled to sort through the flooding memories.

There was a faint tremor in it.

It was nothing like the composed version of him I had first seen in this simulation.

“…Did you remember?”

He asked while carefully smoothing back my wet hair.

His fingertips were trembling.

His voice, his hands—everything about him was taut with tension.

As he touched me, I recalled what we had been in past simulations.

Every time a simulation began, our relationship was different.

Strangers.

Acquaintances.

Lovers.

Enemies.

But no matter how it started, by the end, Jeong Iheon always loved me.

As if loving me were his fate.

‘Idiot.’

Even in simulations where I loved someone else.

‘Who was it again?’

I couldn’t remember the person I had loved.

But even then, Jeong Iheon’s blue eyes had held only me, to the point of looking foolish.

Seven successful simulations.

If this one succeeded too, that would make eight.

Which meant he had faced my death seven times.

And might face it an eighth.

‘But this time feels different. I have no intention of sacrificing myself.’

A subtle awkwardness creased my brow.

My memories weren’t fully restored yet, so I didn’t know what actions I was supposed to take.

But one thing was clear.

‘Did Jeong Iheon have something to do with this turning into a dating simulation?’

Even now, he acted like he knew exactly what “trigger” would bring my memories back.

And it had worked.

After he kissed me underwater, my memories resurfaced.

Previous kisses had never done that.

So perhaps there had been conditions.

Time.

Place.

‘Just how much influence does he have over me?’

When I didn’t answer, he asked quietly,

“What am I to you right now?”

What was he to me?

In my recovered memories, I clearly loved him.

But did I feel that now?

The answer was… complicated.

Memory and emotion refused to merge.

Right now, I simply remembered that I had loved him.

It felt like something was blocking the path between recollection and feeling.

“…Answer me.”

He sounded anxious.

I couldn’t leave him hanging any longer.

I smoothed my expression and spoke.

“If I say you mean nothing to me, can you promise not to cry?”

He forced a faint smile.

“…No.”

“Idiot.”

“Yeah. I’d cry like an idiot.”

“You know how pathetic that would look, right?”

“Probably….”

I stared at the trembling corner of his mouth.

When I called him an idiot, something close to hope flickered in his eyes.

He had noticed my tone had softened compared to before I regained my memories.

As his quiet voice lingered, I placed my hands over the markings carved into his arms.

“Don’t ever do something this stupid again. I don’t doubt that you love me. You don’t need this.”

“….”

“So you’re… the only one I don’t doubt.”

I couldn’t bring myself to call him the person I loved.

He would know immediately if it wasn’t sincere.

At my roundabout answer, his body sagged against me.

He pulled me tightly into his arms and buried his face in my shoulder.

“I like you, Doya.”

“Sorry I don’t remember everything.”

“It’s okay. I even like it when you’re prickly.”

“You were lonely.”

“I like prickly. I don’t like being ignored. You barely paid attention to me this time….”

Had I?

He rubbed his forehead against my shoulder, whining softly.

I patted his head absently.

“…You only remembered things about me, right?”

Well.

Not exactly.

Should I tell him I remembered the simulations too?

‘No. That would complicate things.’

He seemed convinced I had only regained memories of him.

After a moment’s thought, I decided to keep the rest to myself.

“Yeah.”

What I failed to consider was that Jeong Iheon could see through my lies almost as if he could read my thoughts.

His body stiffened.

He pulled back and looked at me.

Even in the dark, his blue eyes shone sharply.

“Liar.”

“…How do you always know? You don’t have an ability like Won-gyeong.”

He hadn’t even been looking at my face.

How did he know?

I stared at him, half horrified.

The fact that he read me so easily was unsettling.

Seeing my reaction, he smiled awkwardly.

“I’m not deliberately analyzing you. If it bothers you, I can pretend not to notice when you don’t want to talk.”

That would be worse.

Pretending not to know when he did.

It was better if he stayed as he was.

“I said it’s fine. I know you’re perceptive.”

When I relaxed, he studied my face carefully, then loosened his shoulders.

Relieved that I wasn’t deeply offended.

And while we were talking, he hadn’t pressed about the other memories.

Not a bad turn of events.

“If it ever bothers you, tell me. I’ll fix it.”

“It’s fine.”

He laughed softly at my indifferent tone.

Then, still smiling, he said,

“Then answer me. What else did you remember that made you lie?”

…So it hadn’t been dropped.

Even smiling, he felt faintly ominous.

I stayed silent.

Lying to Jeong Iheon wasn’t difficult.

The method was the same as deceiving Won-gyeong.

Hide the real secret deeper.

Offer up a lighter one instead.

“I remembered spending time with Jaeyul.”

“Why that? Can’t you erase it again?”

And the lighter secret works best if it’s something he won’t like.

‘I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d hate it.’

The moment I mentioned Hyeon Jaeyul, Jeong Iheon’s face crumpled.

Just as expected.

When he had no memories of me, he got along fine with Jaeyul.

But once he remembered, his attitude toward him turned cold.

And Jaeyul, who acted indifferent to everyone but me, would sometimes watch Jeong Iheon’s movements with subtle awareness.

‘Meanwhile, Ju Noeul, who held my hand every day, didn’t see either of them as threats.’

Won-gyeong sometimes bristled too, but it was nothing compared to the current between Jaeyul and Jeong Iheon.

Perhaps because they both sensed the feelings I held.

Jaeyul was the only one I considered family.

Jeong Iheon was my lover.

Different forms of affection.

But I treasured them both.

I never hid that.

Hiding affection was unnecessary.

Because if my death were to have meaning…

‘…Meaning?’

My thoughts drifted strangely.

My mother’s whisper seemed to continue naturally in my head.

Perhaps the education my guardians had given me was surfacing.

‘Was I completely brainwashed?’

The logic that led to my death flowed too smoothly.

As if I had always thought that way.

Even though it contradicted the beliefs I held when I had no memories.

‘Give my death meaning? I’ve never believed that.’

What meaning could a single death have?

One person dying is simply one consciousness extinguished.

It holds no inherent value.

That had always been my belief.

‘Then why did that thought come so naturally? Was that really my original value system? Is that why I always chose sacrifice?’

Why had every past version of me chosen death to end the simulation?

Why had I set the system’s objective to my own demise?

Some memories had returned.

But the present me struggled to understand the past me.

‘And I didn’t even realize it was just a simulation when I died. I thought it was the end. So why did I pull the trigger?’

Why did I…?