I Mistook It for Pretending

“You’ve never been in love…?”

It sounded unbelievable…

Until recently, Haejin had vaguely assumed Beomwoo was experienced and had likely had more romantic relationships than him.

But after they confirmed their feelings for each other not long ago, he realized that although they had physical intimacy, Beomwoo didn’t seem like someone who had engaged in much emotional exchange.

Haejin was so surprised by this explanation that he could only ask in return, unable to continue.

Beomwoo, as if reading what he was thinking from his face, continued.

“I know it’s hard to believe. You must be wondering how someone my age has never liked anyone before.”

“……”

He hadn’t specifically mentioned age… Though Haejin had briefly thought that, age was part of the basis for finding it unbelievable.

He wasn’t criticizing him for being older.

As the saying goes, love knows no age.

Love is something even the young can experience.

That phrase isn’t limited to love in old age; it applies even to children.

Though the weight of it might be lighter, still, it’s natural to have been attracted to someone at least once.

So hearing he had never been in love was simply shocking.

Movies and dramas depicted epic love stories; popular songs these days dramatically portrayed the feeling of falling for someone, saying if it’s fate, you’ll recognize it at first sight.

From Haejin’s perspective, Beomwoo wasn’t one for big emotional swings.

The idea of him loving someone so deeply that he would cling to them… He had seen it in this life, but in their past life, he had never seen him show such devotion, to the point it was unimaginable.

Even if it wasn’t necessarily love, it was the same.

He seemed like someone who couldn’t feel affection at all.

Anyway, since he was that kind of person, perhaps he didn’t feel that dramatic love emotion described in media when he looked at Haejin.

So he had never been in love and didn’t understand his own feelings? But that didn’t seem right either.

Even if it wasn’t the intense sensation Haejin felt when he first saw Beomwoo in their past life, there’s still a level of attraction where someone catches your eye and interests you—what you’d call a crush.

But Beomwoo’s actions toward him in their past life showed not even a hint of such a small attraction.

Haejin knew he wasn’t naturally affectionate and was terrible at expressing himself openly.

Even in this life, despite clinging to him and expressing himself, it was painfully obvious he had never done anything like this before.

But no matter what, if he had even a shred of interest and was considerate of Haejin, he couldn’t have said such things.

Seeing Haejin remain completely unmoved by his words, even growing colder, Beomwoo let out a sigh.

“I know it’s a reason that’s hard to accept. But… it’s true. My innate personality meant I had little interest in others. It might sound like I’m using my past as a shield, but my childhood wasn’t a situation where I could open my heart to anyone. I couldn’t even open up to my family, let alone have the luxury to do so with others.”

“……”

Beomwoo clarified he wasn’t trying to gain sympathy with stories of the past, explaining that from early on, he wasn’t in a situation to turn his attention to others, to trust, or to give his heart.

There was a reason he hadn’t felt the emotion called love toward anyone else until this age.

Hearing this, Haejin recalled the story of Beomwoo’s past that he had shared before.

Listening to that story, Haejin had thought that physical violence wasn’t the only form of abuse.

He believed Beomwoo was also a victim of psychological abuse.

Having grown up in such an environment, it seemed he couldn’t trust anyone and didn’t even have the luxury to love…

But if there was someone he couldn’t trust, shouldn’t that be Haejin?

Haejin also didn’t have a smooth childhood.

He lost his parents, and the people who took him in as their adoptive son abused him.

To Haejin, Beomwoo had appeared as a savior who would get him out of that house.

Rather than becoming unable to trust others, Haejin had actually wanted to trust someone else, so his case was different from Beomwoo’s.

But the current Haejin wasn’t generous enough to consider every detail of that situation and understand him.

“I can see how a situation could make it hard to trust people… But whatever the purpose, we were a married couple. And you said if I wanted a marriage with love, you would try.”

At their very first meeting, Haejin had felt something special about Beomwoo from the moment he saw him.

He was tempted by the promise that marrying him would free him from that hellish house, but he knew it was different from a normal marriage, which made him apprehensive.

But when Beomwoo said he would try if Haejin wanted something like love… Naively, Haejin believed that.

He hadn’t married solely because of that promise, but if Beomwoo was the type of person who couldn’t recognize or acknowledge his own feelings even when genuinely liked, shouldn’t he have never made such a promise in the first place?

When Haejin looked at him with resentful eyes, asking why he had made such an irresponsible statement back then, Beomwoo shook his head slightly as if he didn’t know why he had been so casual and answered.

“You were only nineteen back then, Haejin. Plus, you have a cute face and a small build.”

“……”

Why bring up his age back then… And his face is cute?

If it were anyone else saying it, maybe, but hearing such words from Beomwoo was a first, making it hard to react.

Flustered, Haejin pretended not to hear the ‘cute’ comment and focused only on what followed.

Being an Omega, Haejin wasn’t particularly large compared to other designations.

Beomwoo was a dominant Alpha, so from his standard, Haejin must have seemed even smaller.

So why mention that? Haejin looked at him with eyes asking if that was supposed to be a reason for what he said back then.

Hesitantly, Beomwoo continued.

“As I told you before, Haejin, I was someone who couldn’t understand promising a lifetime based on fleeting feelings like love. I thought it was better to have a marriage of mutual benefit, like ours.”

“……”

At his words, Haejin recalled what Beomwoo had told him before.

He said that until recently, he preferred a marriage of benefit over an inefficient one based on love, but meeting Haejin changed his mind.

He said he wanted to experience love.

It seemed sincere that he had always viewed marriage that way.

But still, that didn’t explain why Beomwoo said what he did in their past life.

When Haejin looked at him sideways with a ‘so what?’ expression, Beomwoo continued.

“So back then, I couldn’t understand why you wanted the opposite kind of marriage I envisioned. But those things… they seemed kind of cute. Like you still had those fantasies.”

“……”

“But… I thought naively that once you married me and faced the reality here, those feelings would quickly disappear.”

So… Beomwoo had dismissed Haejin’s desire for a loving marriage as a childish fantasy, thinking it would shatter upon facing reality, and spoken so lightly?

That means he said something he didn’t mean at all.

This explanation, asking for understanding because he couldn’t help but think that way, only made Haejin’s resentment and hatred for the past him grow stronger.

In his past life, Haejin would often recall that promise Beomwoo made before marriage—that he would try if Haejin wanted love.

Yet, when their married life became utterly dry and loveless, Haejin blamed himself, thinking it was because he was too lacking for Beomwoo.

That it was his own fault for being so deficient that even Beomwoo’s efforts couldn’t fix it.

Even though he knew better than anyone that feelings aren’t something you can force through effort, he had trusted Beomwoo that much.

But… all that self-flagellation was for nothing, and he had taken that promise so lightly.

Memories flashed before his eyes—moments when he, alone, was sincere in this marriage, hoping Beomwoo would love him, or at least see him with some special feeling.

Since their marriage, there was hardly a moment when such thoughts weren’t present, flooding his mind with nearly every breath.

Tears welled up instantly.

As a look of resentful sorrow clouded Haejin’s eyes, which had only been sharp and accusatory as if asking ‘so what?’ with every word, Beomwoo hurriedly continued, as if to say this wasn’t the point he was trying to make.

“To be honest, I arrogantly assumed that acting like the loving husband you wanted wouldn’t be difficult. Just as I had grown up acting like the puppet my family wanted in this house, I thought pretending to love would be easy.”

“……That’s enough. I don’t want to hear anymore…”

Stop, please stop.

The more Beomwoo spoke, the more it hurt.

He was explaining, asking for understanding, but Haejin felt that listening further wouldn’t make him understand Beomwoo; it would only make him more miserable.

So he told him to stop, but Beomwoo continued as if this wasn’t what he had been leading up to.

“So in the early days of our marriage, I tried to act out the love you wanted. But every time I saw you happy because of my actions…”

“……”

“I felt… strange.”

Haejin tried to say ‘enough,’ that he wouldn’t listen no matter what, but at Beomwoo’s hesitant yet persistent words, he looked at him with a puzzled expression.

‘Strange’ was too vague.

And if he liked him, why would seeing Haejin happy make him feel strange? He didn’t understand.

“What do you mean by ‘strange’?”

Haejin, who had been about to cover his ears, asked with suspicion.

But this time, Beomwoo, who had been stubbornly speaking even when told to stop, tightly closed his mouth.

It seemed less like he refused to answer and more like he found it difficult to put into words.

Even what he had said so far didn’t seem like something easily spoken.

As Haejin looked at him, wondering what could be so hard to say, Beomwoo bit his lower lip and finally forced the words out with difficulty.

“You were shining… And every time I saw you like that, I felt like I was broken. So I kept saying things I didn’t mean.”