Echoes of Despair

A suffocating silence settled over the drawing room where only the two of them remained. Ensi, still leaning against the windowsill, was the first to break the endless stillness.

“Don’t just stand there; please sit down, Iel.”

He tried to keep his voice steady as usual, but his words trembled despite his efforts. Ensi turned his back to hide his expression. It was just as he reached out to close the wide-open window.

“Have I…… failed to give you that much trust?”

“That is.”

At that moment, a voice drenched in despair drifted from behind him. Startled by the tone laden with muddy emotion, Ensi forgot his intention to close the window and spun around.

“There is no need to say it. I have shown you nothing but my foolishness, so it is only natural that you cannot trust me.”

Ensi tried to blurt out an excuse, but Agniele was faster. A self-deprecating smirk tugged at his lips, and his eyes, fixed on the floor, were clouded with thick self-loathing.

Recognizing that familiar emotion seeping into those beautiful golden eyes, Ensi felt as if someone were tightening a grip around his throat.

He hesitated. Ensi took a step toward Agniele, but his ankles were seized by a sudden fear. The thought that he was the one who had turned this upright, ever-confident man into someone so wretched robbed him of the courage to approach.

“No, that’s not it. I never thought of you that way.”

Breathing softly to clear his tightening chest, Ensi finally managed to find his voice. He withdrew his halfway-extended hand and lowered his gaze.

“Agniele, I only…… I just wanted to be with you—.”

“And for that, you intended to find a surrogate.”

Unexpectedly, Agniele felt like he might laugh. Once, he had thought he could never feel even a hint of irritation toward Ensi.

Apparently, that had been arrogance. Otherwise, there was no way to explain the anger currently clawing through his mind.

Agniele clamped his mouth shut again. He had an intuition that if he opened his lips now, he would be swept away by emotion and say something he’d regret. His feelings were that unstable. Though he was hurt by Ensi’s actions, he didn’t want to wound him in return, so he chose to keep his words sparse.

“I just wanted to leave one possibility open. It’s better to prepare for such things in advance, and the Lacius family seems to value succession so much…….”

Succession.

Listening to Ensi’s strained excuses, Agniele felt his heart drop. The word reminded him of the ‘condition’ he had forgotten, and he clenched his fists tightly.

A condition he had lightheartedly put out of his mind. For Ensi, it had clearly become a wound, leaving an indelible scar on his heart.

His palms, turned white from the force of his grip, throbbed with pain. Blunt nails dug into the thickened, calloused skin.

“I’m sorry, but.”

Within those rambling excuses, Agniele caught a glimpse of the scar Ensi tried so hard to hide. But despite recognizing it, Agniele’s head remained a chaotic mess.

He knew he was at fault for Ensi’s desire to find a surrogate. Even so, it was difficult to simply accept that such a thing had even been suggested.

“I think…… I need some time to think.”

Thinking he might inflict unnecessary pain if they continued like this, Agniele took a step back. He didn’t want to become the one making unreasonable demands. He felt it was the wiser choice to first calm the resentment rising without a clear cause and the anger raging indiscriminately before having a conversation.

However, Ensi, who had been fidgeting with his fingers while watching Agniele’s every move, could not easily accept the suggestion that felt like a sigh. Turning deathly pale in an instant, Ensi snapped his head up.

Time to think? To him, it sounded like…… a declaration that this was the end.

Gazing at Agniele with trembling eyes, Ensi gasped as the other man turned his back. It felt as if the threads he had so painstakingly woven together were being severed in a single stroke. In the moment his vision turned white, only raw fear remained.

Closing the distance instantly, Ensi grabbed the wrist of the departing Agniele. At Ensi’s rough pull, Agniele’s upper body swung halfway back toward him.

“What—.”

“You can’t.”

“Ensiers.”

“Now! Let’s settle this right here, right now. I’m begging you, don’t leave like that, not in that way…….”

Ensi had often let his eyes tear up in front of Agniele, but those had always been calculated moves. He had carefully planned when and how to let moisture gather in his eyes so as not to look unsightly, and how to best unsettle Agniele.

But this time, he couldn’t help it. Unintended droplets formed in his eyes. The tears shimmering at the corners of his eyes were precarious, looking as if they might fall at any moment.

“Was it really that wrong? I…… I just didn’t want to lose you, Agniele. That was all it was.”

“……The method was wrong. A surrogate? How is that different from telling me to sleep with someone else?”

“What does that matter!”

As if mirroring Ensi’s anxiety, his lip, bitten by over-tightened teeth, tore. Roughly wiping away the faint trace of blood with the back of his hand, Ensi cried out in a burst of emotion.

“……What?”

“Maybe one night would be enough. If you can gain a future at the cost of a mere night, is that really so difficult? Can’t you even endure that much for me?”

“That, ha…… do you even realize the weight of what you’re saying right now?”

“Yes, I know. I know full well. I’m saying this because I know!”

“Ensiers!”

Hearing the words pour out like a dam breaking, Agniele finally couldn’t take it and shook off Ensi’s hand.

Swayed by the force he wasn’t prepared for, Ensi’s body lurched. His frame trembled as if he might collapse at any second, but after a brief stumble, he bore the shock entirely.

He was more shocked by the fact that Agniele had raised his voice than by being shaken off. Ensi’s eyes flickered as he cradled the hand Agniele had cast aside.

Startled by his own unexpectedly rough action, Agniele took a sharp breath and bit the inside of his cheek. The skin, pressed hard, broke, and blood flowed. Because Ensi’s words were spinning in his head, his anger was difficult to suppress. Ignoring the metallic taste in his throat, he shouted again.

“If that’s the case, then why even look for a cure! What is the reason for spending all this time trying to find a treatment!”

“I don’t want to do this either. I don’t want to find some surrogate!”

“Then you just don’t find one. I have no desire to hold anyone who isn’t you!”

“If it were as easy as it sounds—!”

His lips, fluttering in dismay, reacted to Agniele’s continued shout and tried to pour out more sharp words, only to close weakly.

The words that tried to jump out reflexively without passing through his brain got stuck in his throat. Ensi wiped his dry face with a trembling hand and let out a hollow laugh.

“……Can’t you even understand the heart of the person who said they would find a surrogate? What I was thinking before I uttered those words?”

“I am a fool, so I don’t know unless you tell me. Why you think of these things alone, and why you try to execute them alone—I don’t know.”

I don’t know, he doesn’t know……? Hearing Agniele’s words, which sounded like a lament, Ensi felt like he might let out a hollow laugh.

He realized anew how Agniele had grown up without obstacles. He realized just how different they were.

“—What if the cure we finally find means nothing to me?”

Grind. A sound leaked from between his tightly clenched teeth. He felt miserable because of his own endless negativity and wanted to hide, but at the same time, he wanted to vomit out the resentment inside him. The surging ambivalence shook Ensi to the core.

“What if finding a cure is useless for me! What if the disease has lasted too long and the medicine is meaningless? What am I supposed to do then!”

The sound coming from Ensi’s mouth was closer to a scream filled with anguish than actual words. Not only was his face flushed with emotion, but a wheezing sound seeped into his breathing.

Just watching him made his own heart ache, causing Agniele’s face to contort. Despite his brow being deeply furrowed and his anger still present, he tried to use a soft voice to soothe the agitated Ensi.

“Then we will search for a new way—.”

“Are you telling me to hang on to uncertain hope again and spend more meaningless time?”

However, the sentence stained with skepticism cut off Agniele’s effort-filled words in an instant.

“Ensi…….”

“……Fine, good. Let’s say we search for a new way. What if time passes and you reach an age where you can’t ignore your family’s pressure to marry? Will you still choose me then?”

Can you refuse the person your family pushes on you? You, who confesses your love so freely, yet listens so intently to the voices of opposition from your family.

Can I really be sure you won’t?

“Why assume such a future? If it really doesn’t work, there’s the option of adopting a child from a branch family. Above all, I can no longer imagine a future without you.”

“……Does it not occur to you that such conditions were set specifically because they cannot tolerate an adopted heir?”

“Even if that’s the case, I will handle the family matters. So that you won’t be anxious. So stop making that face, okay?”

Agniele whispered pleadingly and reached out his arm toward Ensi. Ensi weakly brushed away the approaching arm. Panting, Ensi turned his head away, trying to suppress the tears that threatened to leak out.

“As long as my illness isn’t cured, as long as I remain infertile, my anxiety will never fade.”

“That’s not true. If your anxiety doesn’t fade, it must be my fault.”

Agniele was endlessly weak for Ensiers. Perhaps that was why, despite being furious just a moment ago, he had begun to take a humble stance at some point. Once he read the desperation, resignation, and pessimism in Ensi’s words, he could no longer stay firm.