A Crisis of Identity

I, Ling Jiu, an unassuming otaku, found myself in the throes of a sudden crisis.

Upon waking, I discovered my ‘little brother’ was gone, replaced instead by a narrow slit.

There was no need to question how I knew. When one was accustomed to the morning’s ‘pillar reaching the sky,’ only to suddenly find no trace of their ‘little brother’s’ existence, immediate lucidity and alarm were inevitable.

In any case, I needed to gather and analyze more information.

Firstly, I was still within the confines of my room. The chaotic pile of clothes, the remnants of instant noodles on my computer desk, and the anime posters plastered across the walls all served as undeniable proof that this was the sole sanctuary for a shut-in such as myself.

Secondly, I was not experiencing hallucinations. My lit computer displayed the game screen I hadn’t logged out of last night, and the alarm clock beside me confirmed it was an ordinary Sunday morning.

To be absolutely sure, I even spun my Inception-esque top on the bedside table. It came to a halt within moments.

It seems I’m not dreaming.

I continued to assess my situation. A heap of used tissues lay nearby, but please, do not misunderstand—these tissues were for the tears I had shed last night.

Ah, so I must have been overcome with grief, leading to this delusion.

Indeed, that must be it. How could I possibly lose my ‘little brother’?

As this thought crossed my mind, tears welled up once more.

Last night had been my sixteenth birthday. To celebrate, I had gone to the commercial district to browse a merchandise shop for figures and check for new games at a physical store, only to unexpectedly spot my goddess with a strange man.

As a humble ‘lickspittle’ who had secretly adored my goddess from middle school to high school, I lacked the courage to interrupt their date. Instead, I was consumed by an uncontrollable sadness.

After all, my goddess had only recently told me she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. Hearing that news, I had felt a wave of relief and canceled my suicidal confession plan, content to continue being her devoted admirer.

Thank goodness, I nearly called it quits! She wasn’t looking for a boyfriend yet. Wouldn’t my confession have been a self-detonation?

Sometimes, the happiness of a devoted admirer was that simple. Was it not better to cling to a sliver of hope and a tiny bit of longing?

If I gain her, it is my fortune; if not, it is my fate. Nothing more.

Yet, my goddess had deceived me; she clearly already had a boyfriend. While I knew being a backup option wasn’t terrible, to think I had trusted her so much! If she didn’t like me, she shouldn’t have strung me along. She should have just pronounced my death sentence!

Nevertheless, to uncover the truth, I secretly followed them and overheard a conversation:

–Goddess: “Can you please stop bothering me? I told you, liking you was a long time ago!”

–Strange Man: “An An, I admit I made mistakes in the past, but why would you like that good-for-nothing? What’s so great about him?”

–Goddess: “That’s none of your business! Liking him is my affair!”

–Strange Man: “Does Uncle Bai know? If he knew you fell for that useless man who can’t bring any help to your family, what would he do?”

–Goddess: “What does my family’s business have to do with you? What, did your family recently stumble on a new project and now you’re eyeing mine again, so you’re playing the old flame rekindled act? Do you really think you have any connection to me?”

–Strange Man: “Bai An An, I told you my liking for you has nothing to do with your family. The person you like, doesn’t he even have the courage to confess to you? Is such a coward worth your attention?”

–Goddess: “I was equally cowardly, otherwise, I would never have liked a scumbag like you! Get out, or I’ll call the police immediately.”

–Strange Man: “It’s fine. I’ll transfer to your school. Then I’d like to see how you reject me.”

After the man stormed away, I sat on a bench, head bowed, pretending to play on my phone, not daring to utter a sound.

Listen to this! This was a love triangle! Not only did my goddess have an entangled ex-boyfriend, but she now liked another man. What did this imply?

I wasn’t even considered a backup option!

I used to sacrifice my precious gaming time to chat with my goddess.

Sometimes, I consoled her when she was sad, encouraging her to be strong; other times, I strove to make her laugh, to cheer her up; sometimes, I tutored her, teaching her history—my strongest subject—which allowed her to consistently rank among the top students.

I believed my goddess would acknowledge me, or at least consider me a trustworthy man. Yet now, I realized that in the end, I was nothing more than her male confidant.

The kind of male confidant who wouldn’t even receive a ‘you’re a good person’ card.

I was truly foolish, utterly so.

This pathetic shut-in, daring to dream of a toad eating swan meat! I deserve to die for harboring such a thought.

Last night, I had cried almost the entire way home. Neither games nor the terabytes of ‘h-manga’ and ‘Galgame’ on my hard drive held any appeal anymore.

Wuwuwuwu, my heart aches so much!

I clutched my aching heart, only to seemingly grasp something soft.

Hmm?

What is this? It’s soft, and kneading it feels rather comfortable. And a sudden sensation, like an electric shock…

Wait!

Panic seized me, and I immediately stood up, pulling off my loose T-shirt.

What the hell!

Why do I, a man, have breasts?

Calm down, calm down. This must be an illusion. It must be a result of watching a certain island nation’s adult film the night before last. So that’s it, I’m mentally deranged…

As if!

This is clearly breasts! Even if I haven’t eaten pork, haven’t I seen pigs run?

Could it be?

I’ve turned into a girl?!

No, no, this is reality, not some anime novel. How could such an absurd thing happen?

I quickly put my clothes back on, my mind made up to head for the hospital and seek psychiatric help. My mind definitely had issues.

Even as an otaku, I was aware of something called gender dysphoria.

Although I knew gender dysphoria shouldn’t be called an illness, I certainly didn’t want it to happen to me.

Anxiously, I threw back the covers, only to find a blond shotaboy curled up in the bed.

He was incredibly cute; his delicate face was almost like a girl’s. However, his prominent Adam’s apple allowed me to identify him as male.

The problem was…

Who are you?!

Why is a strange shotaboy in my bed?

The little shotaboy was sleeping so soundly that I couldn’t bear to wake him to question him. He was as adorable as a kitten, inspiring a sense of pity.

Too many bizarre things had happened on this beautiful Sunday morning, and I suddenly felt a little dizzy.

I must be missing some information!

Ling Jiu, as an expert in puzzle games, how should you approach this situation?

Naturally, by analyzing the specific problem. Either the problem lies with me, or something is wrong with the world.

I entered a sage-like mode, contemplating philosophy.

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Am I real? Is this world real?

Why do my consciousness and my body not match?

Am I a brain in a vat?

When I doubt the existence of all things, I do not need to doubt the existence of my own thoughts, because the only thing I can be certain of at this moment is the existence of my own thoughts.

I think, therefore I am.

I was still Ling Jiu, at least I still retained Ling Jiu’s independent self-awareness.

But my body had indeed undergone a strange transformation.

A sudden flash of inspiration reminded me of last night’s dream. I remembered a kind, white-bearded old man speaking to me in the dream.

He had claimed to be… God!

I glanced at the leather-bound, black-covered Bible with gilded letters on the bed and fell into self-doubt.

This Bible had been given to me by a priest at a church during my travels. In truth, I had only read the New Testament and could hardly be considered a devout Christian.

Originally, I had always used this Bible as material for the light novels I wrote, which were flops. I never imagined I would actually dream of God.

I began to recall what I had said in the dream…

“Child, what troubles you?”

“Wuwuwu, my goddess has someone she likes.”

“Why does your goddess not like you?”

“Because I’m insecure and introverted, always shutting myself in my own world, and I have social anxiety. No girl could ever like an otaku like me!”

“Then, child, do you wish to change your image?”

“Of course. If I could be liked by my goddess, I would pay any price.”

“In that case, child, I will send an angel to help you, but can you accept a small price?”

“Mm!”

I remembered the kind old man, who claimed to be God, giving me a meaningful smile at the end.

Could it be…

I frantically shook the sleeping blond shotaboy.

“Lord Angel, Lord Angel! I was wrong, I shouldn’t have made a wish so carelessly. As long as you can give me back my ‘little brother,’ I will work like an ox or a horse for you!”

The blond shotaboy opened his hazy eyes and yawned.

“Ah, you’re awake. Good morning, Big Sister!”

My mouth twitched. “Who’s Big Sister? Lord Angel, can you tell me what happened? Why have I turned into a girl?”

He smiled. “Big Sister, I’m your little brother!”

“Where did I get a little brother? I’m an only child; I don’t even have a sister, so how could I have a little brother?”

“I’ve been with Big Sister day and night! I even remember every time Big Sister praised me while playing ‘h-games’!”

I was utterly bewildered. I couldn’t recall playing any ‘h-games’ with anyone.

“Is your memory muddled, or is mine?”

“Oh, Big Sister is so forgetful. Have you forgotten playing Demon Beast last week? You said you wanted to relive a classic, and in the end, you made me so tired I couldn’t move.”

Realizing a terrifying possibility, my heart nearly stopped.

I tremblingly extended my finger. For some reason, my hand, which had been coarse, was now fair and slender.

“Could it be, could it be, you are my only companion, my closest comrade, my second brother, who has been with me for sixteen years?!”

The shotaboy gave me a cheerful smile. In the morning sunlight, his grin was dazzling:

“Yes, my dearest Big Sister!”