Chapter 9 : Within a moment or In an instant

I sink into an empty void.

It feels like falling into the deep sea. Or perhaps being swallowed by a vacuum.

The absence of anything around me suffocates me, making me feel like a lost astronaut in airless space.

Without warmth, without life, without existence, I can’t bear it sober.

As if the joy of the past few days was a dream, the intense depression and lethargy that I had temporarily forgotten continued to choke me.

Just a 3-day suspension. Just a 3-day gap. It will only be 3 days, but those 72 hours are too long. It’s driving me crazy. No, I’ve been crazy for a long time.

Even in my faint, hazy, earliest memories, I wasn’t happy. When other people reminisce about their childhood and enjoy their memories, I recalled my childhood for a different reason.

To rationalize my failed present self. To use my unhappy childhood as an excuse for my failures.

You know, when I was a child, my mom.

And also, my dad―.

So it’s not my fault that I turned out like this. It was an inevitable environment, wasn’t it?

No, it’s not an excuse. I really had a hard time. So this isn’t rationalization, it’s legitimate

“Gasp!”

I put my hand on my neck. I want to break it and shatter it right now.

Recalling the past always makes me want to self-harm.

When I feel disgusted with myself, when my heart aches, when I hate the world, I want to break these hands, tear open this chest, strangle this neck, and gouge out these eyes.

Even though this body has changed, that way of thinking hasn’t.

Even if I became something else, I was still me.

The thoughts continue. This isn’t just reminiscing. It’s self-harm that tears my own heart apart. It’s not good, there’s no reason to do it, and I know I should stop right now, so why can’t I stop?

I’ve thought about this more than a thousand times as I repeated these recollections.

Your past may have been unhappy. So what?

What difference does it make if you shout that to people?

As I saw in a novel, the only person who can save you is yourself.

No matter how much you appeal to your misery and unhappiness, there’s no one who can save you instead. So move.

So I move and fail again, and when I fail again, I despair again, and by the time I crawl out of despair, my stamina is depleted, and I roll back down the cliff.

The first time I fell, I thought that was the deepest abyss.

But strangely, every time I fell, there was a deeper bottom.

The end I thought was the end was not the end, and there was a deeper bottom, so I had to experience a new depth every time.

At first, I abandoned my ideals and lowered my goals. The second time, I abandoned my fantasies and faced reality. The third time, I abandoned my pride and endured shame. The fourth time, I abandoned myself and gave up.

I can’t. I can’t do it. No matter what I do, I can’t.

I don’t have the ability to live like the happy people who fill those streets.

I lack the function. I lack the talent. I’m missing something that should be there. I’m incomplete as a human being.

Trash that failed to socialize, a half-beast that ultimately failed to become human.

Every time I face my own inadequacy, a wriggling black desire fills my heart.

I wish everyone was unhappy.

If I can never be happy, I’d rather everyone, including me, be miserable.

I wish the world would burn. I wish everyone would die. I wish everyone would be in pain and sympathize with me.

The world I see is so miserable and terrible that I can’t love it here.

But I, who doesn’t have the courage to become a criminal, rot alive in a corner today.

Even my hatred is inadequate.

Nevertheless, it’s hard to stay alive sober, so I hold a bottle in my hand.

An ambiguous level of sadness is diluted by an ambiguous level of drugs.

Alcohol is clearly a drug, even though it’s not legally prohibited. A sedative that reduces the pain of the drinker. That’s why I like it.

I know I’ll regret it tomorrow when I throw up again, but I still drink.

The pain was completely masked by the false comfort that the drug created by manipulating my brain.

[Ruffian is now live!]

[Stream Title: The suspension is over, right??? Right???]

As soon as the suspension was lifted, I turned on the stream. I wanted to communicate with someone, with people.

If I want to communicate, shouldn’t I just open the front door and go outside?

There’s no way I can do that, right? Because that’s too difficult and scary.

Beyond the monitor, beyond the long internet cable, beyond cyberspace. That’s just right.

But of course, there are times when I feel the distance of that space.

Just like yesterday, the day before yesterday, and the day before that, I was completely broken by just a small blow of a platform suspension. That’s how flimsy the connection beyond the internet is.

Right now, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even the people I was really close to in games, I’m not in contact with any of them now.

Most of them were cut off because I kept going afk.

Let’s put those memories aside for now.

“I’m here. Are you there?”

-nadang: She’s spouting
as soon as the stream starts ᄏᄏ

I was so glad that someone came as soon as I turned on the stream that I choked up.

“Sniff.”

-nadang: She got suspended for moaning and now she’s moaning again???

“Hic, it’s not a moan.”

-Me?: Is this suddenly a crying atmosphere?

-JungleIsHell: Is it donation time?

MorningRice: What’s wrong with this
all of a sudden?

“I told you not to spread it elsewhere. Hic. I told you to only look at it yourselves.”

Me: I didn’t spread it though?

-JungleIsHell: Can a mere hand block the sun?

-MorningRice: If 100 people saw it, it’s not an incident that can be hidden

“When I woke up and couldn’t turn on the stream, I had no way to communicate with you, I had no one to talk to, and I almost died of loneliness. Don’t go anywhere now, okay? If you’re not here, I’ll die?”

Some of the familiar nicknames are still here, but some have disappeared.

It’s natural. Not everyone likes my stream and keeps watching.

No, rather, most of them probably just watched once and passed by.

So the people who are still here are a precious handful of people.

-nadang: This is too sudden;

MorningRice: You should at least make a fan community first

JungleIsHell: Turning on the skill to milk the viewers

“Thank you for coming again today. Sniff. Wait a minute, just a moment, I’ll turn off the mic for a second.”

JungleIsHell: ???? I can’t tell if she’s acting or not

-nadang:???: I’m a manly top laner

[MorningRice donated a whopping 10,000 won!]

—Don’t cry

-JungleIsHell: ??? : Okay, I got one

“……MorningRice-nim, thank you for the 10,000 won donation! Hic!”

-nadang: Financial therapy

-JungleIsHell: She’s still doing the donation reaction in the middle of this ᄏᄏᄏᄏᄏ

-JungleIsHell: Are you not doing ‘that reaction’?

“I’m not going to do anything that will get me suspended anymore. Sniff.”

I turned off the mic again and calmed down for a moment. No matter how much I’ve decided to show my ugly side, people watch streams to have fun. There’s no way they’ll enjoy watching me cry endlessly.

They might feel sorry for me for a moment, but if it doesn’t stop, they’ll get bored and leave because it’s not fun. I can’t stand that. So calm down.

Depression shouldn’t be expressed outwardly. It should be kept to oneself.

“MorningRice-nim, JungleIsHell-nim, nadang-nim, thank you for coming again today.”

JejuBreadDept: Ruffian

-JejuBreadDept: ?? What’s with the atmosphere?

“Welcome, JejuBreadDept-nim. I’m sorry for being down. I’ll get myself together soon. Sniff.”

-DesirableGirl: Say hello to me too

“Hello, DesirableGirl-nim. You came again. Nice to see you again.”

LaraNing: What kind of stream is this? Will you say hello to me too?

“Welcome, LaraNing-nim. This is a healing LoL stream.”

JungleIsHell: Healing
ᄏᄏᄏ

-LaraNing: You have a nice voice

-StickyPopcorn: Ruffi Ruffi

“Welcome, StickyPopcorn-nim.”

As I was reading the nicknames of the viewers who asked me to read their names, I calmed down a little.

10 minutes after the start of the stream, 30 viewers, so many people came to see me already.

I’m not alone.

[11:51][All] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo): JG DIFF

[11:55][All] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo): JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF

[11:57] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo) pings that enemies are missing [11:57] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo) pings that enemies are missing [11:57] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo) pings that enemies are missing [11:58] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo) pings that enemies are missing

[12:02][All] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo): JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF JG DIFF

[12:03] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo) pings that enemies are missing

[12:03] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo) pings that enemies are missing [12:04] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo) pings that enemies are missing [12:07][All] ThrowUntilChallenger (Yasuo): So bad, seriously

[12:10] PassiveMuteAll (Kindred): Please just shut up

-nadang: Is this
really a split personality??

MorningRice: I’ve been!!! Fooled!!!!!!

-DesirableGirl: Welcome, sucker ᄏᄏ

-JungleIsHell: Top laners are a disease

“No, I’m really being wronged here? I’m saying it’s jungle diff because it’s jungle diff! It’s like Hong Gildong not being able to call his father ‘father’!”

-WhyNot?: I gain peace of mind from your literary and lyrical expressions again today, Teacher.