Chapter 32: The Weight of Expectations and the Price of Admission

“Why do you want to go to the ocean?” Song Chae-hyun asked.

“Just… It’s been a long time since I’ve been there.”

Hearing that, Song Chae-hyun opened her mouth for a moment, then closed it again.

Then, she hugged me again.

Some time passed like that.

While hugging me, Song Chae-hyun told me random stories to make me laugh, and I tried to hold it in but ended up laughing anyway.

We sat together watching YouTube, and before we knew it, it was already midnight.

I wondered if it was okay for Song Chae-hyun to stay this long. Wasn’t she the head of her household?

I asked with that question in mind.

“Unni, shouldn’t you go see your siblings? Of course, I like that you’re staying, but…”

“Oh, yeah. But I can stay a little longer. Chae-rin can take care of things for a bit. I’ll just have to give her some extra pocket money.”

“Ah, I see… Is Chae-rin the third out of five siblings?”

I figured the eldest was probably the younger brother. He was the one who exposed my broadcast.

“No, she’s the second.”

“Oh…”

So, the third one must be the younger brother.

Suddenly, a wave of resentment flared up inside me.

“Unni, can I meet your siblings sometime?”

“What? Oh, sure! That’d be great! There’s someone around your age too, so you can be friends!”

I nodded.

It must be that jerk who exposed my broadcast.

I should really put him in his place when I meet him.

I hope he’s not taller than me.

Song Chae-hyun, excited at the thought of me meeting her siblings, was smiling happily. But then her expression suddenly hardened.

“Oh, right, I-hyun. Sit down.”

“I don’t think s*x*ual desire is a bad thing. In fact, I think it’s a very natural urge.”

… Why am I getting a lecture right now?

“You understand? Masturb*ation… isn’t something to be ashamed of. So, don’t be nervous.”

I’m trembling from embarrassment, though.

And the thing I’m trembling the most about is…

“Um, so, you know, unni really thinks it’s a healthy act. I’m not scolding you at all. Don’t be embarrassed! Yes. There’s no need to be embarrassed at all. Really…”

Being lectured about something sexual by a friend, who used to be of the opposite s*x, is a really strange feeling.

And as time went on, I could see Song Chae-hyun’s ears turning visibly red.

… Why are you trying to keep talking if you’re embarrassed yourself?

But it seemed like Song Chae-hyun didn’t realize how red her ears had become, and she continued to speak.

“But, you know, I think it’s not good to overdo it. There’s that saying about purpose and means, right? Is it okay to say this here… Anyway, the point is, mastur*bation itself shouldn’t be the main focus. It’s more like stress relief… yeah, like that…”

“I-hyun, I think you’ve been doing it too much lately. You’ve been doing it so often, and now you’re even buying… toys. It’s still too early for that.”

My head hung low.

This is so humiliating. Really.

“Anyway, unni really thinks it’s okay. Really! Girls can mastur*bate too! Yes! But it’s better to control it to some extent…”

While speaking, Song Chae-hyun looked around. All around were crumpled tissues, enough to turn both of our cheeks bright red.

“… Don’t look.”

I quickly reached over and covered her eyes.

Used tissues from same-gender mastur*bation were scattered around.

If the genders were reversed, this would be truly the worst situation…

I felt my face burning with shame.

“I’ll clean it up, so just close your eyes for a little longer…”

“Oh, okay!”

Song Chae-hyun, realizing she hadn’t been considerate enough, looked flustered before tightly shutting her eyes.

Then, I hurriedly gathered the tissues and threw them into the trash can, tying the plastic bag as a finishing touch.

“You can open your eyes now.”

When I said that, Song Chae-hyun opened her eyes.

Feeling a bit solemn, I apologized.

“I’m sorry. You must be really grossed out…”

“No, not at all!? Really! Actually… No, I’m not grossed out at all!”

She’s so considerate. Honestly, if it were the old me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to hide my expression.

“Heh…”

Feeling a bit better, I walked over and hugged Song Chae-hyun tightly.

She seemed a little surprised at first, but then she smiled and patted my back and head.

After staying at my place for a few more minutes, finishing the ointment treatment and sticking the bandages on, and playing with me for a bit, Song Chae-hyun eventually said she had to go.

— If you ever feel down again, call me. I mean it! And don’t forget I’ll check in on you unannounced. I still remember the door code.

With that, she left.

… Should I change the door code?

No, if I do, she might just break the window and come in, so I decided to give up on the idea.

Once the room became quiet, I suddenly started feeling sleepy.

But there was something I still needed to do.

I went to my contacts and dialed Yu Ji-eun’s number.

Yu Ji-eun picked up before the first ring even finished.

— “Hello?”

Her voice was quite urgent.

It was the kind of voice I’d never expect to hear from her normally.

“Hel, hello?”

— I-hyun, are you okay?

“I’m fine. So, please calm down…”

At that, Yu Ji-eun was silent for a moment before speaking again.

—… Why did you do that?

“I’m sorry. I’ve been a bit unstable… but I’m really okay now.”

— Phew… I really want to come over right now, but I’m a bit far away…

“Oh, no! Really, it’s fine. Chae-hyun unni came over and calmed me down.”

When I said that, Yu Ji-eun stayed silent for a while.

— …

— That’s a relief. Is she still with you right now?

“No. She just left.”

— Really…? Then, could you send me a selfie? I want to make sure you’re okay.

“Ah, okay. I’ll send it now.”

I hung up the phone for a moment to use the camera.

Looking at my reflection, I saw that my hair was a bit damp. Tear stains were deeply etched beneath my eyes.

On top of that, my eyes were bloodshot with visible veins, making me look like a girl who had been through a lot.

If I sent it like this, it would definitely cause a big fuss. No wonder Song Chae-hyun had been so nervous.

I quickly washed my face.

Even though the tear stains were gone, my bloodshot eyes remained the same.

So, I aimed the camera at myself and tried to smile. I didn’t want to worry Yu Ji-eun more than necessary.

But trying to smile alone didn’t work very well. I usually don’t smile much anyway…

I needed something to help me smile. But even if there was something to laugh about…

Ah.

Then, a thought came to me.

I quietly remembered the times I had spent with Song Chae-hyun and Yu Ji-eun.

The times we bought food and clothes together, the meals we shared, and how Chae-hyun came to my house today.

All of them were happy memories.

And just like that, a smile naturally appeared.

A big one.

I couldn’t remember the last time I smiled this much.

“Phew…”

I took a sip of water from the glass beside me, still feeling a bit shaky.

I had stayed up almost the entire night.

All morning, I nervously sat in my chair, unable to get anything done until lunch.

I took another deep breath.

Even so, I had to do it.

I wanted to run away, but I made up my mind.

Yes. It’s something I have to do sooner or later, so I might as well finish it now.

I pressed down hard on the mouse that had been hovering over a button for hours.

A sentence popped up on the screen.

“The high-school dropout, jobless, and single forever girl has started her broadcast.”

I closed my eyes in fear, then opened them again.

I saw the chat speed up rapidly.

– “Non-virgin pretty girl (confirmed).”
– “Is she mentally okay?”
– “That guy saw all that yesterday and still wants this?”
– “Seriously, this girl is crazy.”

Some people were worried about me. Others were taking jabs at the fact that I admitted I wasn’t “pure,” using it as an excuse to insult me.

There were even people defending me, telling the others not to be so harsh when I was already unstable.

Barely three minutes had passed, and the viewer count had already exceeded 800.

At this rate, I could tell the post was shared on DC Inside.

I knew this was going to happen. I already knew how much influence I had in the “Broadcast Gallery” on DC Inside.

Anyway, I needed to change the subject.

There was something I had to do first.

With trembling hands, I typed out a phrase above my webcam.

“???”

– “What’s that?”
– “Non-virgin branding (lol).”

“???”

The completed sentence, made of several characters, read:

“I will never cause trouble again.”

– “Trouble? Lol.”
– “The word choice is legendary. After all that mess, you’re okay now?”

“I’m okay now. My unni came over and comforted me… my old school friend. I’m really fine now. My swollen eyes are just from crying yesterday, that’s all.”

I continued speaking as I watched the chat.

“Anyway, I’m really sorry. I wasn’t acting like a proper streamer… I should’ve been entertaining you all… I’m seriously reflecting on my actions.”

As I said this, I bowed my head.

– “It’s okay, I had fun.”
– “but What do you mean, I love abuse…?”
– “Are you okay now?”
– “It really seemed like you weren’t in your right mind earlier.”
– “But seriously, are you okay?”

Feeling a bit of warmth from their concern, I replied.

“… I’m really okay. I just had a mental breakdown for a moment… You know I’m a bit unstable. I’ll try not to do that again…

I’m sorry.”

The chat was mostly supportive. I sighed with relief inside.

Was it because they knew I didn’t truly mean it? Or was it because I’m a cute girl, so they forgave me?

Either way, it was a relief for me.

At that moment, the sound of a donation came through.

Spaghetti123 donated 3000 won.

– “I don’t care, so is it true that you’re not a virgin?”

– “That’s actually the most important thing. I can forgive nonsense, but I can’t forgive not being a virgin. If you’re not a virgin, I won’t watch the stream. If you’re not a virgin, I won’t watch. If you’re not a virgin, I won’t watch.”

I gulped.

A pressure far heavier than before began to weigh on me.

With my years of experience on DC Inside, I could tell.

All the things I explained earlier were not a big deal. I thought I could be forgiven.

But if I answered this question wrong, my streaming career would be over.

Cold sweat trickled down my face.

How should I answer?

Am I really a virgin?

That’s not impactful enough. What if they just say I lie as soon as I open my mouth?

Should I bring a virgini*ty certificate?

But then again, they’d still make a fuss about it.

Unless I got it from a female doctor, no, even then, they’d just say I was “observed.”

Thinking about all this gave me a headache.

Screw it, I don’t care anymore.

I opened my heavy mouth.

“Whore… I hate it… because of family issues…”

I switched the direction of my two fingers and said.

“Uh… whore.”

??

– “Wow hahaha.”
– “Legend.”
– “Crazy girl hahaha.”

“I’m really a virgin. I just said that I’d harm myself. I’ve never even held a guy’s hand before. I’ve never kissed anyone…”

– “Wow.”
– “Wow.”
– “Hahaha, she’s crazy.”
– “I believed you, seriously.”
– “Whore? That might stir up some controversy…”

Seeing the most recent comment, I quickly corrected myself.
“OF, H|||| OFL||||R…..!”

– LOLOLOLOL
– Father, crying LOL
– Whore confirmed.
– She’s okay with her dad being degraded.
– A girl who dishes out family insults like it’s nothing but still tries to protect her mom, what a hypocrite…
– She doesn’t insult people’s families much these days though.
– If she gets sued for cyber sexual harassment again, she’ll be screwed.
– LOL

‘Virgin certificate reissued.’

Spaghetti123 donated 30,000 won.
– “I’ll believe you just once more.”
– “Th-thank you…”

I said, releasing the tension from my body with a sigh.

But, should I really be grateful for this?